My new blog address

Dear fans, spammers, followers and critics, it is with a deep sense of regret that I hereby announce the sudden and untimely death of http://www.thecrazynigerian.com due to my forgetfulness negligence. I was meant to renew my domain subscription sometime late … Continue reading →

The Truth behind BB Naija 2017

The Truth behind Big brother SA Big Brother Naija 2017. (Guest post: Anonymous) We are all thinking it, and I began to suspect it 10 mins later into the show… where is the place with 12hrs 24hrs steady Nepa in … Continue reading →

The Nigerian Way; Will things ever change?

I’ll be honest – It’s not going to be easy writing this post without coming across as a pessimist but I need to give you a taste of the attitude of Nigerians I have experienced in recent times. From all indications things seem to be going from bad to worse. Just yesterday I was at a beautiful wedding reception and at a point all guests were asked to stand up for a prayer from one of the wedding couple’s family members. As we were repeatedly saying a resounding ‘Amen’, right in the middle of the prayer I suddenly heard the pop of a champagne bottle.

I don’t know about you but I think that was just downright rude. What would it cost the stewards to wait a minute or two for a prayer to finish before causing such a distraction. In the presence of God some level of decorum should be expected during prayer – no talking,  no selfie-ing, no walking and most definitely no champagne popping! Of course it wasn’t long before the final Amen that another champagne cork went off with a loud *POP!* At this point the ridiculousness of it all made me giggle and shake my head – Nigerians!

Keep Calm…

How to solve Screen Overlay Detected error…FINALLY!

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For those of you who use Android smartphones and suddenly received a pop-up/push message ‘Screen Overlay Detected…Open settings’ you would probably agree that it can be very frustrating, especially when you are trying to respond to an SMS or chat … Continue reading →

Nigeria is one big animal farm

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I’ll probably get some backlash about this blog title…but on second thoughts that presupposes that this post gets a lot of reads in the first place from people hunting for ‘politically incorrect’ statements. But as we say in these Nigerian … Continue reading →

Hello Justice! I’ve been expecting you (pt.2)

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Enough was enough and it was high time I did something about it. I equipped myself for the imminent battle – adrenaline (check), sarcasm (check) and of course the facts (check). I knocked on her door and she asked who … Continue reading →

Hello Justice! I’ve been expecting you (pt.1)

Justice, oh Justice, where have you been all this time? They say good things come to those who wait but I’ve waited for over 3 years for you to come into my life. You must have heard my lamentations about the loud pounding coming from the ground floor at 5.30 am daily, courtesy of the inconsiderate neighbour living below me on the ground floor. I mean, is she participating in a ‘Cook-every-Nigerian-soup-you-know’ Marathon? Who on earth is she cooking all these soups for anyway? Her help? Perhaps. Her little daughter? Doubt any Nigerian child would love eating Edikaikong everyday without thinking they’re being punished for some wrongdoing. Her husband is rarely in town so ‘who she epp’ (help)? It’s bad enough that I have to endure the aroma being sent up through my veranda to remind me of how much of a bloody bachelor I am. But after yesterday, I can see that Justice will soon be served to her – in black and white… (To be continued).

7 Everyday Problems Solved by Bacon

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If you’re like me and you’re feeling the pinch in your wallet as a result of the weakness of your country’s currency and high dependency on imported goods, you’d appreciate alternative, creative ways of doing things. But I also believe … Continue reading →

The Initiation: What it means to cut your hand in Nigeria (Pt.2)

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I stepped out of my car and went back into the bank premises, watching the security guard suspiciously as I walked past him and into the trap door (Note to self – bring garlic to work tomorrow). I don’t recall … Continue reading →

The Initiation: What it means to cut your hand in Nigeria (Pt.1)

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Dear readers, As I think back to the time when I returned from London after ten years of work experience to settle in Nigeria, I marvel at how much of the local lingo I’ve learnt e.g. To ‘trafficate’ is to … Continue reading →

Dear Ceasar…

My sister showed me your picture yesterday and I thought to myself, ‘Wait a minute…weren’t we supposed to get a puppy and not a dog?’ But looking at the other pictures I bet my folks adored you, and the way you were moving around in the compound I can see you’re already feeling right at home. But before you get too comfortable, a few ground rules:

1. I expect you to take the trash out on Thursdays and Sundays.
2. You are to water the garden every morning (and I mean water not pee!). If any of my plants see yellow you’ll be seeing my front gate.
3. When I come round to visit and the security guard isn’t around you’ll have to open the gate so I can drive in.
4. When there’s no power supply and the security guard happens to be in the toilet or in a deep sleep you’ll need to turn on the generator.
5. Whenever I ask you a question bark once for YES and twice for NO and bark three times if you have no idea what I’m saying.

It may interest you to know that your predecessor Happy was a very loyal and diligent dog who did all the above and more. He passed away some years ago and we miss him dearly. I don’t expect you to fill his shoes paws because lets face it – you’ve got small paws (no offence). Take the next couple of days to get to know your new family and surroundings but be sure to keep your wits about you always. You have permission to bite anyone who attempts to break into the house or steal our generator or parked cars. Please do not bark at night unless you’re absolutely sure it’s an emergency.

That’s it for now. The rest of the information will be outlined in your contract. See you over the weekend and by the way, you’re welcome to your new family 🙂

All white everything: Moet Party Day review

I recall at some point last year (after snubbing a TV clip of people at an all white dress code theme party having fun while I was bored stiff at home) I said to myself, ‘I’d like to attend a party like that someday’. Well June 11, 2016 was my lucky day and did I have a good time? Well let’s just say that I’ll be dishing out the good, the bad and the ugly.

Arrival: 

The paparazzi at the Hard Rock Cafe gave me a warm welcome and I did my best to look like I didn’t give a s*** when in fact I did give a s*** (as you can see in my pose). I decided to go with the sporty-casual look for this champagne fest with the Ray-bans and white kicks to boot. I was given a brown wrist band and then ushered into the party zone (Please keep this brown wristband in mind as it will resurface later in this blog post).

The party had officially started at 12 noon but I arrived about 2.30pm when coincidentally the party was just getting warmed up, according to the MC as he mounted the stage with an all-white live band behind him. Ambience was 10/10 –

The patio furnished with white sofas graced with Moet & Chandon branded throw cushions, the bar area churning out champagne in both clear and all-white branded wine glasses (not champagne flutes surprisingly), and the swimming pool laced with folded branded white towels all rounded the pool edges was a nice touch. Inside the hall was a dining hall with an adjoining bar but the stage stole the scene with the DJ setup and overhead mega screen in the back drop. All we needed now was stuff to do.

Entertainment:

My sister and a few colleagues from work kept me company at the event, along with all the seated and arriving guests coming in their assorted mixes of white regalia. The live band got my pulse going and then I got interviewed by Pulse.ng though I can’t tell you when and where I’ll find that 10-sec clip but anyway…before I knew it the live band were nowhere to be seen. Shortly after the DJ took over and got everyone bobbing heads and shuffling feet. Next was the announcement about buffet lunch being served with a sauce clause – only those wearing the white band would be allowed to partake in the buffet. I was wearing a brown wristband – wahala.

At no point was I aware of any implication of being given a brown wristband after submitting my invite at the entrance. It was at the point of picking up a plate at the serving point that a steward told me my brown wristband only entitled me to champagne and not to the food on display. My brain understood him but my stomach didn’t. Fortunately I was able to improvise – white wristband? I stepped aside, turned my brown wristband inside out to the white side and picked up a plate of delicacies. It was only while I was munching away I noticed some unfortunate guy being harassed by a female steward because he was wearing a brown wristband and attempting to load his plate – seriously? after inviting guests it was a genius idea to segregate on food? Well if that wasn’t bad enough I needed something cool and bubbly to wash my food down so what better than the drink of the day – Moet & Chandon right? Wrong. I got to the themed bar outside on the patio and was told the champagne was finished…at 3.30pm? That was only an hour after I got there! So what’s the point throwing such a party if drinks were going to run out before 5pm? I was perplexed to say the least. Some guests were still arriving and I even noticed some trying to argue with the M & C bartenders but even all the bravado got these guests nowhere as they all told that they could get a M & C bottle at the inner bar…at N40,000 (insert indigestion here).

Departure:

My friends and I had laughs and took loads of pics. We even bought a couple from the multiple photographers manoeuvring throughout the event. But I expected some giveaways to be distributed either on our way in or on our way out. At least that would have made the experience of depleted champagne a forgettable one. I caught sight of music artist Brymo and TV presenter Eku Edewor. I also caught sight of some ‘movement’ in the swimming pool (I never said it was empty, lol).

Generally I had a good time but I must say that the organizer/Lagos-based M & C ambassador should take note in future to keep the champagne flowing throughout the event and also engage the guests for a more cohesive crowd of fun lovers. Here’s a couple of shots of what went down…

Now take a look at how Moet and Chandon celebrated in Croatia and tell me who entertained better –

I rest my case 😀

Article by @dcrazynigerian

Out of my hiatus and into the hot seat

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Hello everyone! I’ve been asked quite a number of awkward questions in recent times and thought it would be fun to share them along with my responses: **Why are you still single?** a) My perspective – Short of saying, ‘Why … Continue reading →

And the winners who guessed right are…

Hello everyone! Thanks for all the entries on my last post How to lose your appetite in 3 seconds. Apologies for any ruined appetites on account of my disgusting scenarios – A problem shared is a problem halved, as they say. So let’s get straight to the other half of the problem – Which scenario did I experience yesterday? Three of you chose the correct answer 🙂 Join me in congratulating OLAIDE AJAYI, CHARLES WILLIAMS and FARRAH for choosing that…

A gush of soot hit my face and landed on my entire lunch plate

Lucky (or unlucky) number 3 is the answer! Suspense is over…we can all eat normally again. Tee-hee

N.B – As promised the winners will be getting treats on social media – shout outs on their profiles and promotion of their content on my blog or a topic of their choice in the following week. Thanks for reading and look out for my next crazy post!

 

How to lose your appetite in 3 seconds

It was a day not quite like any other day when I popped out of the office with a colleague for lunch at a nearby local restaurant. I was so hungry I could eat a horse (word to my stomach). I settled down to an aromatic bowl of okra soup with a generous ball of pounded yam and I couldn’t have washed my hand any quicker so I could dig in. It was halfway through my gulps of satisfaction and eyes rolling to the back of my head that an over zealous restaurant staff decided to reach over an switch on the air-conditioning close to me. Nothing prepared me for the next thing that happened.

Let’s make this a bit more interesting. Which of the following scenarios took place after the restaurant switched on the air-conditioning:

1. A baby roach crawled into my okra soup
2. Sweat from the restaurant staff’s forehead dropped into my pounded yam
3. A gush of soot hit my face and landed on my entire lunch plate

Now only one of the above scenarios actually took place today and was immediately followed by a thousand apologies and an offer of a replacement meal. The winners get a social media treat courtesy of the Crazy Nigerian so have a go 😀

 

What it sounds like when doves cry

Prince Dead At 57: Iconic Singer Passes Away Suddenly https://t.co/Gf8tX4CKA4 via @Hollywoodlife

— IMPROVE YOUR CV 📃 (@ImproveCv) April 21, 2016

The M.A.D Awards 2016

Welcome to the M.A.D Awards 2016!!!, where one lucky winner will receive the prestigious Most Annoying Dude/Dudette Award for being a thorn in Tonwa’s side. Yes you are reading this correctly – people could be rewarded for raising Tonwa’s blood pressure. Everything you read here is somehow linked to making Tonwa angry. I’m your host Tpri, reporting to you live from Eko Hotel where the car park is at full capacity and guests on the sidelines are eagerly waiting for the nominees to arrive.

Now for those of you who are watching this show for the first time the (fictional) MAD Awards premièred in 2008 receiving critical acclaim and producing its first ever winner – Tonwa’s Driver. It was unable to hold in 2009 after it was leaked that the Oil-pipeline- vandalizing Niger Delta militants were nominated for a MAD award; they got extremely hostile. In 2010 when the brouhaha was over the award ceremony was back with a vengeance and a new winner emerged – Tonwa’s Shouting Neighbour. In 2011 the federal government was rumoured to be worried about becoming a guaranteed nominee for the next four MAD award ceremonies so they pulled the plug on the show. A series of legal battles ensued but no victory came until Oscar Pistorius’ lawyer was hired in late 2015.

This year the MAD Awards is bigger and better, with mega sponsors including DSTV, Arik, NNPC and Patience Jonathan. The crowd has waited for 3 hours and even the paparazzi are getting tired of holding up their cameras. But wait! I think see the 2010 MAD award winner with her offensive full gold weave. Let’s go over and talk to her:

Tpri: Excuse me, are you Tonwa’s Shouting Neighbour?

SN: Yes o! How na, my brother?

Tpri: I’m fine thank you. I’m sure you’re glad to be one of the special invited guests.

SN: Hmm. Tonwa did not invite me. I just…ARISTO! ARISTO! COME HERE! WHERE’S PIPI???

Tpri: Er…Aristo? Pipi?

SN: That’s my son Aristotle and he is supposed to be looking after his sister Penelope. Anyway I have designer shoes if you want to buy.

Tpri: Shoes? But isn’t that your son running off towards the hotel exit gate?

SN: OOOOOH! ARISTO! I’m coming please, let me bring the shoes from my car…

All the guests have simmered down and are seated in the auditorium for the behind-the-scenes documentary of the MADA nominees on the big screen. Let’s hear what they have to say:

1. NNPC MD – I have given Tonwa a hard time for the last 4 weeks with my petrol scarcity scam…I mean scheme. I have burdened him with the additional responsibility of putting two jerrycans in his boot and joining mile-long queues with an average waiting time of 2 hours minimum. On one occasion he was queuing at one of our filling stations and by the time it got to his turn the filling station switched off all the pumps and all the sales attendants closed for the night. I don’t know if his tank was empty or whether he was able to get home safely that night. One thing I do know is that he’s very angry about the whole situation but he’s not the only one suffering. If he wants to give me the award I’ll take it but he shouldn’t expect a miracle – after all, am I a magician?

2. Inconsiderate Pilot – Hello. Tonwa loves to travel. In fact, he likes the moment when the plane is taxiing down the runaway before take off. But on his last local trip returning from Abuja I forgot to put on the Air Conditioning. So while I was chilling in the cockpit his ‘cockpit’ was roasting. As a matter of fact he was drenched by the time we landed in Lagos an hour later. All the passengers experienced the same thing so I don’t know why he couldn’t just fan himself with the safety manual. And to make matters worse, this is the second time in a row it is happening to Tonwa. Pardon me but for confidential reasons I have been instructed by my employer not to disclose the name of the airline. But they don’t mind if I win the award…and hand it over to them.

3. Tonwa’s gateman – Oga Tonwa dey commot for house early early morning like around…5.30. That time I never wake up so him dey come knock my door before I open gate. I know say that tin for don tire am efriday. But the one way annoy am pass na when he won commot early early morning and one car dey block him for outside the gate. Walai that one be another froblem. Oga Tonwa talk say make I tell the driver to commot . Me sef come vex so I go outside and I tell am, ‘Hey! Move your foking car!’ Na so fight won start and that day Oga Tonwa no commot till almost 6. He shout for me well-well but him no understand wetin happen. Sha if you give me this award how much I fit sell am?

4. PHCN official – The light in Mr. Tonwa’s area had serious problems 2 months ago so he ended up throwing away everything in his freezer. He hates wasting money so he was very angry during that period. He also doesn’t like to use generator overnight so he can’t enjoy his AC. There was a day when he was shaving in the morning before work and I cut off his power supply (laughs) that day he still had half of his beard remaining. I’m sure he carried that half-beard to work that day because his generator was out of fuel. I do not enjoy making Tonwa angry but this is Naija. Anyway, if I don’t win this award I know where your power meter is…

5. Neighbourhood prostitute – Tonwa? Is that his name? Ok. He drives past my corner every morning on his way to work but when I call him ‘Sweetie’ he doesn’t answer me. I don’t even know whether it is me that is making him angry – he’s always frowning when I see him turning into the T-junction where I chill for customers. That is how one time like that he had one babe in his car and he slowed down to turn into his street. He pretended as if he didn’t see me when I shouted ‘Hey sweetie!’. The guy drove off with speed. But *switches to Pidgin English* nawa o…Tonwa na bad market. Him never patronize me for the last 4 years wey I dey this corner. Anyhow sha, shebi him name be ‘Tonwa’ so I go greet am tomorrow morning. Eh? Award ke? Na award I go chop? Mssssscheeeeew!

(APPLAUSE)

Now the votes are being counted so please stay tuned as we take a commercial break. You can send in your votes by posting your favourite nominee in the comments section so start voting. When we come back we will announce the winner of the MAD Awards 2016 so don’t go away!

(PROGRAMMING RESUMES SHORTLY. STAY TUNED.)

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for voting. The results are in and it’s a landslide victory for a newcomer this year. And the winner is…

(Opens envelope)

…PHCN official!

(STANDING OVATION)

Acceptance speech: Thank you everyone. First of all, I want to thank Baba God for my life, my job and the brain to do it. Cutting people’s light is not easy. You can get electric shock if you’re not careful. My advise to everyone is to work hard, pay your electricity bill on time and don’t depend on your generator too much otherwise you will buy black market. Tonwa is one of my best customers now. To my mum – this award is for you muah!

So we’ve come to the end of another edition of the MAD Awards. Stay tuned next year when we will return with more people who’ve made Tonwa’s life a living hell. This is Tpri signing off.

Fuel my suffering

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The last few weeks have been nothing short of a sick and unwarranted test of my patience and temperament. Fuel scarcity in Lagos is still looming and forcing motorists to resort to either:- Sleeping overnight in their cars queuing at … Continue reading →

5 Blogging Tips for Working with PRs

Good advice, especially no.5

fashionandstylepolice

Bloggers and PRs need each other to succeed. We bloggers need PRs and brands to notice our blog, and there are so many of us competing for the attention. PRs on the other hand, need to find the right bloggers to showcase their client’s products/services, and there are so many options, on both sides, so we kind of need each other really. However, I do find there is a bit of a love and hate relationship between most bloggers and PRs these days and I wonder why.

Could it be because some bloggers think too highly of themselves and behave unprofessional? Could it be because many PRs try to take advantage of bloggers, especially the new or less established ones, so many of us have our guard up as soon as a new PR comes in contact?

Who knows, but I feel a little friction in the blogging/PR relationship so…

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On coping with writer’s block (or the lies we tell ourselves along the way)

Been down this road…a lot! Still managed to come out okay in the end.

Black coffee and cigarettes

I haven’t written in a very long time.

I joined a creative writing class a while ago to help me through my ‘writer’s block’ – can you call yourself a writer if you don’t write? – and I managed to produce a total of 500 words over the entire four-week course. A paltry amount by any standards, though the course itself was brilliant.

One of the suggestions from my fellow writers was to write about why I don’t write. I’ve been thinking a lot about the reasons I don’t write lately so this seemed as good a place to kick off my writing again as any. And also address why I call myself a writer in the first place – a hard sell in the writing void of the last few months.

In my professional life, I have been a public relations consultant, a journalist and now, an editor. Words play…

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Happy Valentine’s Day 2016

Hello dear fans and visitors, (why are you still visitors? show some love and follow my blog today teehee).

In true Cupid style I decided to send this special love post that perfectly encapsulates the essence of Valentines Day. If you have a partner show them how special they are. It’s not always about gifts. You can make someone’s day just by saying the right words from your heart – not everyone is hell-bent on chocolates, flowers and teddies. If you’re single then let that dream partner know that they’re on your mind today. You can also extend your love to your family members – mum, dad, mother-in-law, father-in-law, etc. But most importantly, love yourself. You can’t begin to show love to others if you don’t love yourself. I love me and I love you all for your loyalty, your curiosity, your consistency, your commentary, and your generosity in sharing my posts. Happy #ValentinesDay

Image credits: Google

This Valentine Weekend Cupid plays in Lagos!

Yo lovers! have u heard bout “CUPID PLAYS“… the exclusive Valentine Ball @SPICE ROUTE… Saturday Feb 13, 10PM? 

Special appearance by #JMartins #DammyKrane #KetchUp & many more celebrities…
Music by #DJXCLUSIVE

More info: 07088118874 / 08023339117

5 Things Guys Don’t Want To Hear

I’d have to agree with these 5 things but I assure you there’s a whole lot more (but that’s a topic for another post). Props to PTB. Enjoy the read!

Scenario Sunday: The Shortlist

‘Becky had every reason to be the happiest woman in the world. And why wouldn’t she be? She had the perfect husband. He was caring, affectionate and sensitive to her needs and wants. He was always there when she needed him and there was a mutual trust between them. He trusted her so much that he gave her access to all his bank accounts and even gave her some of his debit cards and credit cards, complete with PIN

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink

Seriously? Oh man…

Must Be This Tall To Ride

(Image/jerrywilliamsmedia.com)

It seems so unreasonable when you put it that way: My wife left me because sometimes I leave dishes by the sink.

It makes her seem ridiculous; and makes me seem like a victim of unfair expectations.

We like to point fingers at other things to explain why something went wrong, like when Biff Tannen crashed George McFly’s car and spilled beer on his clothes, but it was all George’s fault for not telling him the car had a blind spot.

This bad thing happened because of this, that, and the other thing. Not because of anything I did!

Sometimes I leave used drinking glasses by the kitchen sink, just inches away from the dishwasher.

It isn’t a big deal to me now. It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it WAS a big deal to her.

Every time she’d walk into the kitchen…

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Tasty Vegan – Broccoli-Basil Mac and Cheese Recipe

Even without meat it’s a tasty looking dish I’d love to sink my teeth into. Yum!

Be Careless With Your Wishes: A. Igoni Barrett On The Writing Life In Nigeria

We’ve asked some of our favorite international authors to write about literary communities and cultures around the globe. We’re bringing you their essays in a Source: Be Careless With Your Wishes: A. Igoni Barrett On The Writing Life In Nigeria

Why Women’s handbags should come with Google search

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Have you been in a queue at the supermarket and had a woman in front of you rummaging through her handbag for her credit card? Have you dropped a woman off at her place after a romantic evening and waited … Continue reading →

On the Mindless Menace of Violence: A Comic

This is my second quote adaptation from the great Robert F. Kennedy. It’s an extract taken from one of his most important speeches, titled ‘On the mindless menace of violence’, which Kennedy gave o… Source: On the Mindless Menace of … Continue reading →