Today’s Special – Racism with a side of DIY

Think of a time when you had the worst customer service experience and how it made your blood boil. Is the steam coming out of your ears yet? Great! Now that we’ve set the appropriate mood for this article please read on. I’m no stranger to bad customer service but the scenario that played out two nights ago when I hung out with a good friend at a popular eatery left a bad taste in her mouth (and left mine open).

It all started when she ordered @ Shawarma & a Couple of extras Continue reading

The Love Languages of Nigerians

A must-read; with a host of great bloggers and a special appearance from the numero uno Crazy Nigerian 🙂

livelytwist

Love Language Nigeria

Language encompasses every nuance of a people’s communication. Slangs that are spin-offs from the intrigues in our sociopolitical arena are the thermostat of a nation. Whether elitist or egalitarian, these ‘idioms’ drape our language like rich velvet. In examining language and tracing its use, we understand a people’s aspiration and disillusionment and unveil the evolution of culture.

 Religion: God forbid!

 “Mummy, I have a headache.”

“God forbid!”

“Uncle Lagbaja, I am tired.”

“God forbid; it is not your portion!”

“Aunty Chioma, I can’t finish this jollof-rice.”

“God forbid, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!”

“Sir, is your car covered by insurance?”

“I am covered by the bloooood of Jesus!”

“Madam, your number is not on the promotion list.”

“God forbid! All my enemies fall down and die!”

Welcome to Nigeria, religion is our mother tongue, and someone from the village is always ‘doing’ someone…

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Why you shouldn’t give directions in Nigeria

directionsAbout 2 years ago on one fine Saturday morning, my mum wanted to get to Lagos Island. So being the considerate son I am I volunteered to drive her there. As fate would have it I remembered I needed to withdraw some cash from any available ATM before coming back from our destination. I parked my car and asked my mum if she wanted to wait while I joined a small queue at a nearby ATM round the corner. Her preference however was to wait outside the car but 5 minutes later something terrible happened…

The ‘Stephen King’ version of what happened:

Stephen KingThe last image Jollof had of his mum was of her standing on the pedestrian pavement a few feet away from his car. He walked into the ATM kiosk area where two people were ahead of him. He had no idea that while he was waiting for his turn a car with three men had pulled up to his mum to ask for directions. One of the men in the car who claimed to be a pastor was frantically explaining that a close acquaintance had been rushed to hospital and that he needed to know how to get there. He beckoned for Jollof’s mum to get into the car but she didn’t budge. Suddenly from out of nowhere a pedestrian walked up to the scene.

‘Ah! Pastor! It’s you!!!’

‘Hello my brother. I’m trying to locate one hospital around here’.

‘Er no problem.’ (Turns to Jollof’s mum) ‘Madam, let’s go and help pastor’…

Jollof finally withdrew N10,000 and walked back to where his mum was but she was nowhere to be seen.

The ‘Walt Disney’ version of what happened:

Walt DisneyJollof left his mum waiting by the car while he queued up at an ATM kiosk around the corner to withdraw some cash. The man at the front of the queue must have been using his debit card for the first time because he kept pressing what seemed to be the incorrect PIN. ‘Oh Lord, let his ATM debit card get retained’, Jollof prayed. In the end he wasn’t sure if the person had insufficient funds or just wanted to perform a PIN change. The next person in front of Jollof was hell-bent on taking time wasting to the next level. He must have been one of those ‘techie’ types who liked to use the ATM to pay for his cable TV bill, phone bill and then buy recharge vouchers for every member of his extended family before finally printing a mini statement. ‘AAAAARGH!!’, Jollof thought.

He finally withdrew N10,000 and walked back to where his mum was and they both got into his car.

‘So were you able to make your withdrawal?’

‘Yeah, I was’.

‘Oh good. Hmm’. She pauses and then continues. ‘You won’t believe what happened while I was waiting for you…’

Fortunately it was the Walt Disney version that panned out in real life but many today are victims of hypnosis and have managed to loot their own residences for the diabolical puppeteer, or in other cases, abduct the victim and use them for rituals. In Nigeria no one has to tell you but you need to be streetwise or as we say in these parts, ‘Shine your eye!’

How will you celebrate New Year’s eve?

It was the post before New Year’s day…and I was 39 views away from 100,000! Just a couple more hours to meet my target *biting fingernails*

I’m writing this post in a hurry because I need to get home, change and attend church for 10pm. My crossover into the new for the last few years has been in church and it’s always been memorable. I plan to do a thorough review of 2013 in my next post (as opposed to editing this one) but in the meantime you can enjoy another one of my recent rants on the topic….Enjoy and have a (insert countdown)…2…0…1…4……….HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

My Christmas Wish

To Whom It May Concern (and you better be listening, Santa!):

Christmas wishesI had by far the shittiest (surprise, surprise…WordPress spell-check didn’t underline THAT word) day of the year. Take away the fact that I barely had enough sleep from the high-octane activities of the 23rd, I consumed a lethal concoction of chocolates, fried chicken, beans, plantain, crackers, Smirnoff Ice (well, neither in that order nor at the same time). On the 24th I was fortunate to be within the premise of a recreational club in the course of my customer visits and had to dash to the gents (Isn’t it just typical when you’re pressed and you ask for directions and then you get something like, ‘go up the stairs and turn left then the first right’ – AAAAARGH! Houston, he’s gonna blow!). Anyphew! Anyway, I was dizzy for the rest of the afternoon and mindful of everything I was putting into my mouth…which wasn’t until after 6pm (I don’t even recall chewing my food in the process). I had some deadlines to meet before leaving the office and by 9.30pm I was on my way home…knackered like a $10 hooker doing overtime (maybe not the best way to describe it but it’s my blog…my rules Insert *tongue out* emoticon here).

There’s a lot to wish for; some realistic and some as real as a wizard from Hogwarts. I could wish for constant power supply (and a good second-hand sale for my redundant generator), a property purchase for residential use (and a well-rehearsed in-your-face look when I leave my rented apartment), a book mention/TheCrazyNigerian mention by some prominent Celebrity (and a Giorgio Armani handkerchief to blow my nose and cry my tears of joy into). But I could wish for a Nigerian President who would care about the welfare of the people and would be a selfless leader. I wish for peace, favour and grace in my life, my family, my relationships (with my girlfriend and other acquaintances), and so much more. However, I think it’s only fair to leave those to God and give you something far more easier…

*Cue Drum roll*

drum roll

 

 

 

 

This Christmas I wish for 100,000 PAGE VIEWS before the end of the year. (Insert Tadaah! here).

Is this a wish or an appeal, I hear you say? Who cares?! Just gimme gimme gimme 😀

All I really want for Christmas is my girlfriend Linda…but she’s on the other side of the world right now in the US till 2014 (double boo-hoo). BAH HUMBUG!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE and make sure your friends visit thecrazynigerian.com soon.

xxx xxx xxx

Aside – I wonder how many of you clicked on ‘Linda’ hoping to see a picture…nice try lol!

@dcrazynigerian

Go Jollof, it’s your birthday!

I’m gonna party like it’s my birthday! I’m gonna sip Bacardi like it’s my birthday! And I don’t have to write a post ‘cos it’s my birthday!!!

Thank you Lord for letting me see another one. Here’s to you!

The Crazy Nigerian aka -Jollof-

By God’s Grace

This is a must-read!

livelytwist

scams upon scammers

Religion divides; religion unites. Its symbols are seen everywhere here. In the big southern cities, churches clamour for prominence with their dizzying signboards on busy and quiet streets. While the western world wants to send God packing, we have him firmly entrenched in our society.

Having watched God’s role shrink in the west, I embraced his omnipresence back home. But my joy at luxuriating in unabashed religious freedom was marred by incident after incident with religious-sounding people.

Religious clichés form a huge umbrella where strange bedfellows meet. Christian choruses drip from the sweet mouths of juju practitioners and Holy-Ghost-power-wielding herbalists advertise their solutions in the newspapers. But it is in the language of everyday people that these clichés find unbridled expression, so much so that a simple yes or no response is as elusive as constant power supply.

In a culture where speeches are padded with verbosity and our elder’s words…

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Radio interview with N6 of Cool FM 96.9 Lagos! … (updated on 28th July, 2013!)

ImageHello dear fans! My interview with On-Air-Personality ‘N6’ was rescheduled. It actually took place yesterday (apologies for the short notice). It was a blast! ‘N6’ (or Nnamdi as I also know the OAP to be) was a wizard in the studio and had me in stitches with some of his risque comments. I was on air promoting my book, making references to crazy stories in my book and generally encouraging readers in Nigeria to support Nigerian authors. Shame I haven’t got a recorded video for your listening/viewing pleasure but I’ll do that the next time I get an opportunity to be on air again. I also hear there is an android app designed just for picking up radio stations on the go: Jandus radio – try it out 🙂

Tonwa at CoolFM

Sssh! I had another dainty affair…

Gallery

This gallery contains 17 photos.

Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, ‘Once bitten, twice shy’. No? Well it doesn’t really matter because I wasn’t shy after my last affair with Coco. I still reminisce about those chocolate kisses…but alas I digress. On one sunny afternoon in … Continue reading

The Crazy Nigerian

Thanks Kemi for making that crazy decision to review my book 🙂

Untold Stories

The-crazy-nigerian-tonwa-anthony

The Crazy Nigerian by Tonwa Anthony

  • Paperback: 148 pages
  • Publisher: AuthorHouseUK (1 Aug 2012)
  • Available to order on  AuthorhouseAmazon and Barnes & Noble, also in Lagos, Nigeria at TerraKulture, VI, The Hub Media Store, Lekki and Silverbird Lifestyle.
  • Rating : 4 out of 5 stars

THE CRAZY NIGERIAN is one of those books that you read and wonder why nobody had written something like it earlier. And I am not exaggerating, hardly a page went by without me laughing out very loudly and attracting weird stares from the people around me. And that was special, because I am not easily amused.

The book is basically what you could call an autobiographical prose that chronicles the adventures of a young Nigerian man, Tonwa Anthony, from childhood to present adulthood. He was born in London and later relocated with his parents to Nigeria where he had his primary school…

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Turning over a new L.E.A.F

Gallery

This gallery contains 2 photos.

Dear readers and bloggers, everyday the web gives birth to ‘bouncing’ blogs all over the world. If you listen carefully the next time you’re online, you’ll hear the patter of tiny posts and blog subscriptions (unfortunately there is also the … Continue reading

Does your partner go through your cell phone?

If ‘Yes’ is your answer then don’t fret – you’re not alone. I’ve been a victim of this invasion of privacy and have been constantly accused of trying to hide something. The obvious truth is that I have nothing to hide (as subsequent strip cell searches have revealed). However I detest the fact that my integrity is being put into question. I know my mischievous eyebrows are probably to blame but picking up my phone every time I’m in the toilet translates to trust issues, hyper curiosity or extreme paranoia.  Worse yet is the fact that instead of returning to the comfort of my living room I walk into the Spanish Inquisition. With nothing to defend myself other than my tongue I then go into a series of explanations which usually end up in a big argument. But you can try the following tactics in order to maintain cell phone privacy:

  • Locking your keypad with a security code (and changing it every hour in case your partner has been spying)
  • Carrying your phone EVERYWHERE you go (though it gets tricky when you and your partner are in bed…just use your imagination)
  • Never falling for the ‘I want to listen to your music’ or ‘I want to make a call’ ploy (if questions follow then someone told a fib)

Well I would like to know how you cope with this problem (if it is indeed a problem). Oh, and here’s one solution I almost forgot to share…

“Where to get help_nigeria_feeling suicidal”

I was viewing my WordPress Dashboard some days ago and I came across the disturbing words (in my Top Searches) which I’ve used for the title of this article. It got me thinking about what possible traumatic events had made this particular reader feel suicidal. Whatever the reason, here are a few things that could help:

  1. In Nigieria you could call Chaz B on Inspiration 92.3 FM and pour out your problems to a listening ear. You would probably get some suggestions on how to get back on your feet. His numbers are; 01-2773923, 01-2772923, 08139009000 (Dial ‘234’ first and remove the zero if calling from outside Nigeria)
  2. If you’re religious then go to your local church and talk to the pastor/reverend/vicar/priest about what you’re going through.
  3. Try being around people who have made you happy in the past. Such people would presumably be your family members, close peers or your partner. Just avoid negative people during this period – they won’t help your situation.
  4. Start a blog. You could choose to be anonymous in order to feel free with writing about your innermost feelings. Readers could give good advice and even share similar experiences which they’ve been able to handle.
  5. Last but not the least, if you happen to stop by The Crazy Nigerian again then you could send me a private email via crazy_nigerian@ymail.com

It’s not the end of the world so feeling suicidal should just be a passing phase. Life is worth living and no matter how hard it gets you’ve got (a) friend(s) who will get you through rough times 😀

A new project

There is a new blog which I created in September 2010 but have only gotten round to posting on in March this year. It’s part of a Post-A-Week project I am doing which would motivate me to post an article at least once a week. Take a minute to look at The Other Side. NB – Articles on The Other Side will not be repeated in The Crazy Nigerian. However, links to new articles on The Other Side will be provided on The Crazy Nigerian.

Feel free to leave your comments and share articles that you particularly enjoyed.

Enjoy 😀

They don’t care about us (TCN version)

Skinhead, deadhead
Everybody gone bad
No transformer, Power failure 
Everybody…Generator
In the street, Mama-put
Everybody dogfood
Night guard, Door man
Everybody ‘Chairman’

All I wanna say is that
They dont really care
about us…
All I wanna say is that
They dont really care
about us

Beat me, hate me
You can never break me
Will me, thrill me
You can never kill me
Chew me, sue me
Everybody do me
Bribe me fine me
Dont you ‘419’ me

All I wanna say is that
They dont really care
about us
All I wann say is that
They dont really care
about us

Tell me what has
become of my life
I love to drive
but the LASTMA dont love me
I am the victim of police
brutality, now
I’m tired of being the
victim of hate, you’re raping
me of my cash
Oh for Gods sake!
How much do these officials 
want to take from me? Set me free

Skinhead, deadhead
Everybody gone bad
Politicians, agitation
Everybody registration
In the street, at the corners
Everybody on Okadas

Black man blackmail
Throw the brother
in jail

All I wanna say is that
They dont really care
about us
All I wanna say is that
They dont really care
about us

Tell me what has become of my rights
Am I invisible cause you ignore me?
Your proclamation
promised me free liberty
I’m tired of being the victim
of shame
They’re throwing me in a
class with a bad name
I cant believe this is the
land from which I came
You know we really ought to see, The government dont
wanna see, but if
Saro-Wiwa was living, he
wouldn’t let this be, no,no

Skinhead, deadhead
Everybody gone bad
Situation, speculataion
Everybody litigation
Beat me, bash me
You can never trash me
Hit me, kick me
You can never get me

All I wanna say is that
They dont really care
about us
All I wanna say is that
They dont really care
about us …(Bridge)

Some things in life they
just don’t wanna see

But if Enahoro was
living, he wouldn’t let
this be no, no,
Skinhead, deadhead
Everybodys gone bad
Situation Segregation
Everybody allegation

In the street and the news
Everybody dogfood
kick me Hike me
Dont you wrong or
right me

All I wanna say is that
They dont really care
about us
All I wanna say is that
They dont really care
about us

All I wanna say is that
They dont really care
about …All I wanna say is that
They dont really care
about…All I wanna say is that
They dont really care
about us (hee hee, hoo-hoo!)

Sources: Google images, lyrics007.com

Entry #65 – Latest Football News!!!

I’ve decided to come clean on the small business I’ve been doing for the past 2months (and this is my second pastime)

My company name is TRIONIalerts and it specializes in sending the latest football news to your mobile phone everyday, including news on transfers, purchases, injuries, score summaries and fixtures. It doesn’t matter if it’s the English Premier League, Spanish, Italian or African Football. This service is a must for all soccer/football fans and it is (ridiculously) affordable. You don’t have to send an SMS each time you want the news; you pay for a month and get news sent to your phone for 30days – It’s that simple!

If you are interested but still in doubt, send your mobile number and area code to trionialerts@gmail.com for a FREE trial! What have you got to lose?

You can also check out the dedicated Facebook page which was created on August 25, 2010. Just search for Trioni Alertz 😀

NB – This service was originally targeted for Nigerians at home and diaspora but it is now available to people who can pay in either GBP, USD, EUR or NGN (Nigerian Naira).