The M.A.D Awards 2016

meWelcome to the M.A.D Awards 2016!!!, where one lucky winner will receive the prestigious Most Annoying Dude/Dudette Award for being a thorn in Tonwa’s side. Yes you are reading this correctly – people could be rewarded for raising Tonwa’s blood pressure. Everything you read here is somehow linked to making Tonwa angry. I’m your host Tpri, reporting to you live from Eko Hotel where the car park is at full capacity and guests on the sidelines are eagerly waiting for the nominees to arrive.
Now for those of you who are watching this show for the first time the (fictional) MAD Awards premièred in 2008 receiving critical acclaim and producing its first ever winner – Tonwa’s Driver. It was unable to hold in 2009 after it was leaked that the Oil-pipeline- vandalizing Niger Delta militants were nominated for a MAD award; they got extremely hostile. In 2010 when the brouhaha was over the award ceremony was back with a vengeance and a new winner emerged – Tonwa’s Shouting Neighbour. In 2011 the federal government was rumoured to be worried about becoming a guaranteed nominee for the next four MAD award ceremonies so they pulled the plug on the show. A series of legal battles ensued but no victory came until Oscar Pistorius’ lawyer was hired in late 2015.
This year the MAD Awards is bigger and better, with mega sponsors including DSTV, Arik, NNPC and Patience Jonathan. The crowd has waited for 3 hours and even the paparazzi are getting tired of holding up their cameras. But wait! I think see the 2010 MAD award winner with her offensive full gold weave. Let’s go over and talk to her:
Tpri: Excuse me, are you Tonwa’s Shouting Neighbour?
SN: Yes o! How na, my brother?
Tpri: I’m fine thank you. I’m sure you’re glad to be one of the special invited guests.
SN: Hmm. Tonwa did not invite me. I just…ARISTO! ARISTO! COME HERE! WHERE’S PIPI???
Tpri: Er…Aristo? Pipi?
SN: That’s my son Aristotle and he is supposed to be looking after his sister Penelope. Anyway I have designer shoes if you want to buy.
Tpri: Shoes? But isn’t that your son running off towards the hotel exit gate?
SN: OOOOOH! ARISTO! I’m coming please, let me bring the shoes from my car…
All the guests have simmered down and are seated in the auditorium for the behind-the-scenes documentary of the MADA nominees on the big screen. Let’s hear what they have to say:
1. NNPC MD – I have given Tonwa a hard time for the last 4 weeks with my petrol scarcity scam…I mean scheme. I have burdened him with the additional responsibility of putting two jerrycans in his boot and joining mile-long queues with an average waiting time of 2 hours minimum. On one occasion he was queuing at one of our filling stations and by the time it got to his turn the filling station switched off all the pumps and all the sales attendants closed for the night. I don’t know if his tank was empty or whether he was able to get home safely that night. One thing I do know is that he’s very angry about the whole situation but he’s not the only one suffering. If he wants to give me the award I’ll take it but he shouldn’t expect a miracle – after all, am I a magician?
2. Inconsiderate Pilot – Hello. Tonwa loves to travel. In fact, he likes the moment when the plane is taxiing down the runaway before take off. But on his last local trip returning from Abuja I forgot to put on the Air Conditioning. So while I was chilling in the cockpit his ‘cockpit’ was roasting. As a matter of fact he was drenched by the time we landed in Lagos an hour later. All the passengers experienced the same thing so I don’t know why he couldn’t just fan himself with the safety manual. And to make matters worse, this is the second time in a row it is happening to Tonwa. Pardon me but for confidential reasons I have been instructed by my employer not to disclose the name of the airline. But they don’t mind if I win the award…and hand it over to them.
3. Tonwa’s gateman – Oga Tonwa dey commot for house early early morning like around…5.30. That time I never wake up so him dey come knock my door before I open gate. I know say that tin for don tire am efriday. But the one way annoy am pass na when he won commot early early morning and one car dey block him for outside the gate. Walai that one be another froblem. Oga Tonwa talk say make I tell the driver to commot . Me sef come vex so I go outside and I tell am, ‘Hey! Move your foking car!’ Na so fight won start and that day Oga Tonwa no commot till almost 6. He shout for me well-well but him no understand wetin happen. Sha if you give me this award how much I fit sell am?
4. PHCN official – The light in Mr. Tonwa’s area had serious problems 2 months ago so he ended up throwing away everything in his freezer. He hates wasting money so he was very angry during that period. He also doesn’t like to use generator overnight so he can’t enjoy his AC. There was a day when he was shaving in the morning before work and I cut off his power supply (laughs) that day he still had half of his beard remaining. I’m sure he carried that half-beard to work that day because his generator was out of fuel. I do not enjoy making Tonwa angry but this is Naija. Anyway, if I don’t win this award I know where your power meter is…
5. Neighbourhood prostitute – Tonwa? Is that his name? Ok. He drives past my corner every morning on his way to work but when I call him ‘Sweetie’ he doesn’t answer me. I don’t even know whether it is me that is making him angry – he’s always frowning when I see him turning into the T-junction where I chill for customers. That is how one time like that he had one babe in his car and he slowed down to turn into his street. He pretended as if he didn’t see me when I shouted ‘Hey sweetie!’. The guy drove off with speed. But *switches to Pidgin English* nawa o…Tonwa na bad market. Him never patronize me for the last 4 years wey I dey this corner. Anyhow sha, shebi him name be ‘Tonwa’ so I go greet am tomorrow morning. Eh? Award ke? Na award I go chop? Mssssscheeeeew!
(APPLAUSE)
Now the votes are being counted so please stay tuned as we take a commercial break. You can send in your votes by posting your favourite nominee in the comments section so start voting. When we come back we will announce the winner of the MAD Awards 2016 so don’t go away!
(PROGRAMMING RESUMES SHORTLY. STAY TUNED.)
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for voting. The results are in and it’s a landslide victory for a newcomer this year. And the winner is…
(Opens envelope)
…PHCN official!
(STANDING OVATION)
Acceptance speech: Thank you everyone. First of all, I want to thank Baba God for my life, my job and the brain to do it. Cutting people’s light is not easy. You can get electric shock if you’re not careful. My advise to everyone is to work hard, pay your electricity bill on time and don’t depend on your generator too much otherwise you will buy black market. Tonwa is one of my best customers now. To my mum – this award is for you muah!
So we’ve come to the end of another edition of the MAD Awards. Stay tuned next year when we will return with more people who’ve made Tonwa’s life a living hell. This is Tpri signing off.

Live @ The MADAwards 2008 (Oscar spoof)

Good evening ladies & gentlemen and welcome to the MAD Awards where one celebrity will be honoured for being the Most Annoying Dude(tte) to infuriate ‘ T ‘. I am your host T.P reporting to you live from Oceanview, V/I, Lagos where the stars have started arriving.

Over here the paparazzi & mamarazzi are in a frenzy as the big names in the industry walk the red carpet. Coming unto the scene is the Chief Operator of PHCN (NEPA) with his beautiful wife, both their clothes fully ironed unlike most of the other guests. I can also see Ramsey Noah whose due to release his latest movie The Princess & the Pauper. The entire LASTMA crew just went in and I just missed T’s boss. Wow! This promises to be a star-studded event. Just before we go into the auditorium lets hear from last year’s winner…Hey, Aboki!

Okada man – ‘Salam Walekum’

T.P – ‘Er..yeah, hi! Please tell us how you won last year’s award.’

Okada man – ‘Oh, is very easy. You see, when T go to work in the morning I drive bike in front of him and slow down. Then I do not use my trafficator, not even my hand so he no know if I want to turn left or right.’

‘T.P – ‘Really? So what do you do when you want to turn left or right?’

Okada man – ‘I just turn my head left if I wan go left and right if i wan go right, hehehe. T is always horning for me to greet me, hehe.’

T.P – ‘Wow, that would make T really mad. Do you think you will win this year?’

Okada man – ‘Yes, yes. I win it no problem. Wa lie ta lie.’

T.P – ‘Thank you. Enjoy the show.’

This glamourous event is about to start and we’ve got special performances from Konga, Majek Fashek, Blackky and Charlie Boy. As they get ready to tantalize our eardrums, lets go behind the scenes and examine clips from the nominees for this year’s MAD Award:

Kelly D

‘Hi! I’m the caterer that cooks and delivers food to T while he is at work. I think I should win this award because I have upset him on numerous occasions when he has asked for pounded yam and I tell him there’s none left. You know what they say, A hungry man is an angry man. Anyway I’ve tried to remember reserving some for him like he once requested but I keep forgetting. Maybe one day, just one day… (sigh)’

Emmanuel Adebayor

‘Hey, whats up? T is an Arsenal supporter and he has not been particularly pleased with the way we played last season. He is not a die-hard fan but he gets irritated when his co-workers (mostly Chelsea & Man U fans) taunt him after each loss. I personally think I should win the MAD award because I have given him more tantrums than anyone else in the Gunners squad. Ever since I shaved off my dreads I don’t know what happened to my game. Kinda like the Samson story. It’s a new season tho so lets wait and see.’

Anonymous Candy Bandit

‘How far my guy! Don’t mind me jare. I’m rocking this Lagbaja-look because I don’t want T to know who I am. I work in his office so I can’t tell you my name. If you want to see T lose the plot just let me take the chocolate he keeps in the branch manager’s fridge. I wait for T to go out and then I strike! I don’t even take one or two – I take it all and leave no trace. This is why I think I will be the undisputed winner of the MAD award. And if they don’t give me the award na wahala be that o!’

T’s Company driver

‘Good afternoon sir. I dey drive T to im clients anytime he wan go out. But I wan win this award tru tru. So far I don disobey dress code and resumption policy. When I suppose wear white shirt to work on Wednesday I come wear white traditional – na Friday I suppose wear that one. Another time I come wear pink shirt which the bank no dey allow but I come wear am. Oga query me small but nutin dey happen, hehe. In fact, I no come work last Friday sef. Chei! I suppose win this award sha.’

<back to you T.P>

What a shocker! The Okada rider didn’t make the shortlist. It’s now up to the public to decide who will be the new MAD award winner. The results have already been collated and the voting lines are officially closed. The lady going unto the stage to present the award is a previous winner17 years ago. In fact, she won 3 years in a row between 1991 and 1993 whilst T was in Junior Secondary School. She is T’s high-school Yoruba Teacher. The crowd is giving her a warm reception and the Security officials are keeping their eyes peeled for any foul play. The Yoruba Teacher is holding the envelope and she is about to address the audience:

‘Ah E ka san! Se dada ni?…Oh se o gbo? Pele, let me speak in English. The nominees for this year’s MAD award are – Emmanuel Adebayor (applause), T’s company driver (applause), Kelly D (applause) and the Candy Bandit (applause). But before we announce the winner of this award, a quick word from our sponsors…
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“There’s a rumble in my tummy going boom-bata boom-bata boom. It means that I am hungry and Mimi-time is near! I am so excited that I can hardly wait! My mouth is getting ready to sing the Mimi song – Take me, Make me, anyway you like me, mimi NOODLES mimi NOODLES boom sha sha MIMI!…Any way you want me, any way you like me, mimi NOODLES mimi NOODLES mimi NOODLES MIMEEEE!…Boom sha sha!!!”
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Ahem, and the winner is… (drum roll)
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…T’S COMPANY DRIVER!!! <unprecedented uproar and applause>
Oh my God!!! It’s complete pandemonium here! Never before has a new comer caused such a stir in MAD history. The ecstatic driver is going up to the stage to collect the beautiful golden award in all its glory. He has given T’s Yoruba teacher two pecks and he is smiling from ear to ear. He is punching up in the air with the award in his hand. No one can contain this man’s joy right now. Oh oh! here comes the thank you speech…

Company driver – ‘Tenk you, tenk you, tenk you. First of all I would like to thank God for making this possible. It was not easy at all to win this award. I don suffer, no be small. I want to thank my papa and my mama wey born me. All the other drivers wey support me I tenk you. And last but not least I want to thank my Oga, T. All this wahala I don cos for am he never sack me commot. Na good oga…very good oga. Tenk you again.’  

And there you have it, a night of entertainment, bewilderment and a new MAD winner – T’s company driver is the Most Annoying Dude for 2008! Special thanks to the guest performers and to Mimee Noodles for the light refreshments. Till next year’s award ceremony, this is T.P signing out and saying Goodnight and God bless.
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