The Nigerian Way; Will things ever change?

I’ll be honest – It’s not going to be easy writing this post without coming across as a pessimist but I need to give you a taste of the attitude of Nigerians I have experienced in recent times. From all indications things seem to be going from bad to worse. Just yesterday I was at a beautiful wedding reception and at a point all guests were asked to stand up for a prayer from one of the wedding couple’s family members. As we were repeatedly saying a resounding ‘Amen’, right in the middle of the prayer I suddenly heard the pop of a champagne bottle.

we no dey pop amI don’t know about you but I think that was just downright rude. What would it cost the stewards to wait a minute or two for a prayer to finish before causing such a distraction. In the presence of God some level of decorum should be expected during prayer – no talking,  no selfie-ing, no walking and most definitely no champagne popping! Of course it wasn’t long before the final Amen that another champagne cork went off with a loud *POP!* At this point the ridiculousness of it all made me giggle and shake my head – Nigerians! Continue reading

Hello Justice! I’ve been expecting you (pt.1)

justiceJustice, oh Justice, where have you been all this time? They say good things come to those who wait but I’ve waited for over 3 years for you to come into my life. You must have heard my lamentations about the loud pounding coming from the ground floor at 5.30 am daily, courtesy of the inconsiderate neighbour living below me on the ground floor. I mean, is she participating in a ‘Cook-every-Nigerian-soup-you-know’ Marathon? Who on earth is she cooking all these soups for anyway? Her help? Perhaps. Her little daughter? Doubt any Nigerian child would love eating Edikaikong everyday without thinking they’re being punished for some wrongdoing. Her husband is rarely in town so ‘who she epp’ (help)? It’s bad enough that I have to endure the aroma being sent up through my veranda to remind me of how much of a bloody bachelor I am. But after yesterday, I can see that Justice will soon be served to her – in black and white… (To be continued).

I is for Invitation

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Invitation /ɪnvɪˈteɪʃ(ə)n/ a written or verbal request inviting someone to go somewhere or to do something  (Google definition). A written or verbal request inviting someone to an event which he (usually a ‘he’) may not necessarily be allowed to partake in … Continue reading

Freshly Pressed: Why WordPress won’t pop my blog’s cherry

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If you’re like me, a former couch potato who once innocently surfed the internet one boring evening for free platforms where I could start my own blog, you would agree that WordPress is the Nokia of blogs in its simplicity, theme variety … Continue reading

Four Weddings and a Refusal

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At most wedding ceremonies I’ve attended in Lagos I was a mere spectator; marveling at such things as the reprimand of poorly clad bridesmaids by the priest, the sometimes risqué shenanigans of the MC or the conversion of the dance … Continue reading

First Blood: The dance-off

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You and your geeky friends are at a nightclub chatting away about Sylvester Stallone movies and then suddenly you can see ‘her’ looking at you from across the room. In fact, she’s been watching you all night. She’s all by herself in that … Continue reading

The Crazy Nigerian & Bumzilo Podcast v.1

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Disclaimer: All variation in noise levels and occasional grammatical errors are a product of the completely impromptu nature of this raw and uncut recording. We respect all artists mentioned and we are merely expressing candid views. This conversation was the catalyst for the article How to make a hit song in Nigeria

Finding Chuck Taylor on top of Roxanne

Traumatic as today’s post may sound, it is strange but true! Like any story it happened once upon a time. I was about to go out and I had packed a couple of things; my gym bag, my laundry bag and my trainers. Now, it wasn’t easy trying to hold all these items and still take the car keys out of my pocket, but in the end I managed with maximum awkwardness. Next on my awkward agenda was reversing out of my tight parking cubicle space – poor Roxanne. I probably drove her crazy after this ordeal. Observe a similar scenario:

 

 

Half an hour later I was able to breathe out the words, ‘Mission accomplished’ and then I drove out of my compound and into the unpredictable streets of Ikeja – Lagos. I drove past a couple of bystanders, one or two prostitutes and some bus conductors but I guess they all did not find it in their best interest to alert me about the unusual sight I was completely unaware of. It was only when I had driven for about 5 minutes and stopped at a red light then it hit me – where are my Chuck Taylors? I looked in the passenger front and back seat frantically like a fugitive looking over his shoulder. I sat back and traced my steps back quickly…and what felt like an out-of-body experience was me getting out of my car, reaching out to the top of the car, taking down my trainers from the top and throwing them back into my car. I then proceeded to throw my face into my two hands as I recovered from the shock of almost losing a pair out of sheer forgetfulness. Sad part is…this wasn’t the first time.

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Have you ever been forgetful in a rather embarrassing way before? Do share 😀

 

 

 

 

The thing about finding Prince Charming

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EP 2 – The thing about finding Prince Charming Whenever I hear the word ‘Prince’ my mind flashes back (for some strange reason) to the popular BBC TV series ‘The Prince and the Pauper’ starring the talented Mr. Ripley Nicholas Lyndhurst. Of course, … Continue reading

Why you should NEVER drive ‘one-way’ in Nigeria

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In Nigeria, the expression ‘driving one-way’ actually means to drive in the wrong direction on a street that is deliberately usually not marked as a one-way street. The consequence of this action is that you would have committed a serious … Continue reading

5 Annoying things Nigerians do in Cinemas

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My girl and I went to see Jack and the Beanstalk Jack the Giant Slayer last night and it was more entertaining than I had anticipated (Though I never noticed any female giants, which begs the question, ‘How on earth were such … Continue reading

You can do the Harlem shake!

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This deliberately absurd but delightfully entertaining ‘meme‘ has been orchestrated in just about every ingeniously creative style within offices, warehouses, army camps, and even airplanes! While the dance video craze is still trending across the world faster than tweets about Pope … Continue reading

Ten green bottles

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I’m betting by now that your brain has cleverly associated this post title with the catchy yet annoying nursery rhyme in which bottles ‘accidentally fall down’ by no fault of your own and keep on falling whilst you’re frantically trying … Continue reading