SNAP! You’ve got the power

Yes, I am giving you the power (and no ordinary power I must add) to choose what I blog about next. I had so many ideas in my zero-afro head and when they all started driving me crazy I thought I’d let YOU (my loyal followers, curious surfers and loony stalkers) decide and put me out of my misery. Think of this like giving me medical marijuana to take away the pain – okay okay, writing is the best therapy ‘cos it keeps me sane…

*Important* – You can vote as much as you like until Saturday 12 noon GMT+1 and the ¬†topic with the highest count will be the one I blog about on Sunday (Jack Bauer’s got to love this self-imposed deadline…geeez)

 

Thanks for taking part ūüôā

Image source: Gadafini-club.blogspot.com 

 

 

First Blood: The dance-off

Gallery

This gallery contains 2 photos.

You and your geeky friends are¬†at¬†a nightclub chatting away about Sylvester Stallone movies and then suddenly you¬†can see ‘her’ looking at you from across the room. In fact, she’s been watching you all night. She’s all by herself in that … Continue reading

The Crazy Nigerian storms City 105.1FM

Gallery

This gallery contains 3 photos.

Last Sunday evening at about 5pm, I was interviewed by On-Air-Personality extraordinaire ‘Westside’ on the Lagos city’s radio station that never sleeps – City 105.1FM. It was more of a ‘trilogue’ as I was interviewed alongside the CEO of Orbit … Continue reading

5 Things Husbands Never tell their Wives

Gallery

This gallery contains 1 photo.

…now that I’ve gotten your attention, I’m first going to go into the whole positive spiel about how happily married couples share everything including the toothbrush (eew!) and how they keep absolutely nothing from each other (in case you missed … Continue reading

Increasing your daily page views, not your BP

Gallery

This gallery contains 5 photos.

Imagine you’ve just bought a pair of unique, classy, new shoes (the pair you’ve been eyeing for a couple of weeks while waiting for your paycheck at the end of the month). You step outside with them excitedly for the … Continue reading

Ten green bottles

Gallery

This gallery contains 3 photos.

I‚Äôm betting by now that your brain has cleverly associated this post title with the catchy yet annoying nursery rhyme in which bottles ‚Äėaccidentally fall down‚Äô by no fault of your own and keep on falling whilst you‚Äôre frantically trying … Continue reading

Why readers are addicted to THAT article: My 5 Secrets

Gallery

This gallery contains 9 photos.

It was pretty random how I decided to write an article of a mere 535 words which would later generate over 11,000 views – a fifth of my current page view total on my entire website! The number of page … Continue reading

Bacon in a Toaster: A Future Too Awesome to Happen

You can thank me later…

Bohemian Radio

This month marks the 50th anniversary of the TV show The Jetsons. What was awesome about The Jetsons is that it showed us a marvelous 21st century future of flying cars, robot slaves, two-hour work weeks, semi-articulate dogs and push-button … everything.
 
It was all bullshit, of course; practically none of it came true. Sure, buttons are everywhere, and dogs are closer than ever to speaking in adorably dog-accented English, but domestic robot technology is still limited to minor vacuuming and assisted masturbation duties. Two-hour work weeks only exist for members of Congress. And don’t even bring up the flying car.

Damn right, Randal. TV does lie to us. But that’s not all. Books lie too. I’ve read entire books full of lies, and I’m not just talking about David Barton’s book on Thomas Jefferson here. I’m talking about books like 1975: And the Changes to Come

View original post 678 more words

Announcement: Winners of The Crazy Nigerian e-book!

You thought I would forget? You thought I wouldn’t keep my word? Not the Crazy Nigerian (Dictum Meum Pactum).¬†Some months ago I asked for your help with my book title. I also said that participants would get a free copy of my¬†e-book for their reading enjoyment. Here is the shortlist of the lucky winners:¬†

Ernest
zxeesha
Oluwadamilare
J. Todd Hubbard
Bonniestark
Nnamdi
Obinrin
drebiofrey
Sandy
Ada
Naanmiap
britneyana
Timiebix
smilesandhappiness
upwardliving
pinkauto
Gbenga Awomodu
dazediva
FQ
ebianb
lucidlilith

Congratulations and look out for the e-book which will be sent shortly to the email addresses¬†intially provided during¬†the participation stage. Don’t forget to drop a review on Amazonbooks, Kobobooks¬†or Authorhouse bookstore.

Thank you so much for being a part of my dream…well, one of my dreams ūüôā

Signed,

Jollof aka tHe CraZy NiGeRiAn

My best kept secret…revealed

MEMy debut book, The Crazy Nigerian¬†is now available! (Look ma! I did it!) In order to get your copy of this gut-busting, action-packed memoir of my memorable mishaps and misadventures, then just keep reading. Soft paperback and E-book version available on Authorhouse, Amazon and Barnes & Noble. You can enjoy The Crazy Nigerian on your Nooks, iPads and Kindles if paper isn’t your thing. In Lagos, my book is currently available at Terra Kulture¬†bookshop, The Hub Media Store (Palms, Lekki), Silverbird lifestyle Victoria Island and soon to hit other local bookstores so watch this space.Be sure to leave your comments¬†here or alternatively you can send them to dcrazynigerian@gmail.com. Alternatively you can call +2347032024019 or send a BB message to 284D7BB7 to speak to the Crazy Nigerian in person. You can show your support by going to ‘Like‘ my Facebook fan page ‘Tonwa¬†Anthony’. Crazy videos coming soon! Comments & criticisms also welcome…(yikes!) Follow @dcrazynigerian for crazy updates and crazy articles.

**EXCLUSIVE: ENJOY MY CRAZY NIGERIAN VIDEO!¬†http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ugqU9hbpfo ūüėÄ

To read my latest blog post just look below this one. Thank you.

The A-Z of Relationships – Part 2

These days you can’t blame paranoid couples for wanting to throw in nuptials (especially when one of them is filthy rich!). But if there’s a good sense of trust between the two lovers then they could go on to explore the depth of their intimacy and hope to stumble upon an orgasm or two if they’re lucky. Then just when you least expect it, one of you becomes pregnant. Nine months down the line you start asking yourself some serious questions like ‘Will I be a good father/mother?’ ‘Am I going to be able to cope with all the baby expenses?’ or if there’s been suspected infidelity, ‘Why does this baby look like my gardener?’ Life starts becoming a mundane routine¬†involving nappy changing, baby feeding and ‘gaga-googoo’ talking. Years go by and suddenly you catch an infection more commonly known as the seven-year itch. Left untreated, this could spell disaster for even the most compatible relationships. Love seemingly turns sour and tension begins to build up whenever you’re on the same bed. Sex is a thing of the past and your mind is clouded with uncertainty as to whether you have become less attractive (or plain grotesque) to your other half. Such desperate times may cause the man to turn to drugs…Viagra, to be precise (although, if the problem is too many kids then we could be talking Vasectomy instead). Women don’t get off that easy as they also have to play their own part in ‘keeping things up’ –¬†Wondebra takes care of that.¬†The desired outcome would be to rekindle the flame and seal the deal with more frequent XOXOs (hugs and kisses). As your energies combine, you both realize you can’t exist without each other; he’s your Yin and she’s your Yang. When you‚Äôre both in your seventies and having sex, your passionate oooh‚Äôs and aaah‚Äôs will soon become uncontrollable Zzzzzzzzzz‚Äôs‚Ķ¬†

See also The A-Z of Relationships Part 1

The Usual Stakeholders

Two days ago I was driving home from work with four colleagues in my car. One of them asked if¬†I got a¬†mechanic to check my alternator (the thingamajig¬†or the whatchumakallit¬†that helps charge the car battery, apparently) after my car decided not to start the previous night. I hadn’t. I just bought a new car battery and I was fine with my car moving from A to B. I let them know that I appreciated the interest they took in the well-being of my car. The response that followed seemed quite unusual – ‘…but we’re all stakeholders of the car’. And then, that got me thinking…

‘If we’re all stakeholders, who’s the chairman?’ I asked.¬†One responded, ‘Of course, you are’. Well that doesn’t seem fair, I thought. Why does the chairman have to be the one stuck driving in traffic while my passengers put their feet up and enjoy the cool¬†air-conditioning?¬†The dynamics of this arrangement had to be rearranged. I suggested that the responsibility of driving my car should be shared among themselves. There was no comment…just a few awkward diplomatic laughs.

I went on to ask my stakeholders what their involvement would be in¬†my car’s well-being¬†if I suddenly had a flat tyre. There was no comment…at first. Then one of the guys summoned up the courage and said, ‘I will divert traffic’. Another one said, ‘I’ll look out for suspicious motorcyclists’. Another one said, ‘I will take out the caution signs and place them behind the car for oncoming¬†motorists. Finally, the last passenger paused and then he said, ‘I’ll jack up the car’ – to which I asked, ‘So who’s going to change the flat tyre?’ There was no comment. I guess the Chairman’s work is never done (So much for stakeholders, eh? More like sleeping partners, lol).

The important thing is that deep down I know that when it comes to the crunch, my friends will lend a helping hand – because that’s what friends are for. And if they do otherwise, then as chairman I’m dissolving the board immediately i.e. YOU’RE FIRED!!! ūüôā

N.B: follow @dcrazynigerian on Twitter for more updates on my new book. Click here for a free preview on Amazon.

 

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to know EVER!

They say ‘curiosity killed the cat’…well, they’re probably mistaken because a little blue bird (not Twitter) told me a cat has nine lives. But anyway, as much as we all love to browse the Net for information, I’m certain there’s some info you don’t want to know.

 ~ ~ ~

Here’s my countdown (and do let me know if I hit the mark or if you’re comfortable with none, some of all of them:

10. When the world will come to an end

09. Whether there will be World War III 

08. How hygienic the kitchen and the person cooking your dinner in a restaurant is

07.¬†Whether your grandparents or parents still ‘do it’

06. The number of buttocks that sit on your local public toilet seats

05. All the wrong decisions you unknowingly made in the past.

04.¬†Whether you’ve already missed meeting Mr or Mrs Right

03. What people actually say behind your back

02.¬†¬†Whether you will ever¬†become a millionaire or so rich you don’t have to work

01. The day you are going to die

Afterthought: If I inserted a link which said ‘Once you click here you will be taken to a site that accurately predicts the precise date and time you are going to die’ would you click on it? (spooky)¬† ūüôā

Sunday Soliloquy

‘Mmmmm….urgh…ummm….6am already! Let me just snooze for ten minutes. Not again…ten minutes already? just another ten minutes. Okay, that’s it…if I don’t get up now for church I’ll have to wait outside like the five foolish virgins. Taken my bath…brushed my teeth…checked my window to see if my annoying neighbour is packed behind my car…what should I wear today? Where the hell are my shoes? Oh, they’re in my car…that’s right. I know I’m forgetting something…I can hear my dad’s voice echoing in my head ‘the hangers! don’t forget the hangers!’…good thing I remembered.’

‘The security guard washed my car…I must give him something…I hate reversing out of this compound – it’s always tricky. Now where’s the change for this man…I can’t find any! Oh no…and he’s greeting me…I feel bad now. That will have to wait till next time. I’m going to drive like a madman if I want to make it in five minutes. Get out-of-the-way¬†you daydreamer! The¬†road is big enough for the two of us! Almost there…phew! lucky me – I made it. My favourite seat is free…thank God.’

‘Oh…a member of the choir is giving today’s sermon? Cool. She’s got many talents…probably knows how to play the¬†church organ too.¬†Good topic…not sure¬†if¬†she’s moving the crowd…but that guy sitting upstairs sure is ‘in the spirit’. Why does he always have to shout ‘PREACH!’ Doesn’t he know he’s probably intimidating members of the congregation? I don’t recall him doing this when he used to sit downstairs. Now he does it where most of us won’t see him…ah well.’

‘Offering time…let me get my wallet out before the usher gets here…what the…? I forgot my wallet! That’s what I had forgotten…shit! Let me see if my cheque book is with me…damn, it’s at home. The bag is getting closer…I’m going to have to pass the bag on…I’ve done it…I’m sure the usher would judge me…and here I am wearing a badge boldly stating I’m a member of the Committee member of the 2012 Harvest – I should be the first to give and give some more…how awkward. I don’t even deserve to partake in Holy Communion…but I will anyway.’

‘Looking forward to breakfast with the family…at least I didn’t forget the hangers…now what am I going to blog about next…?

To the bereaved

They lost the signal
They lost communication
They lost altitude
They lost control
… They lost their lives

We lost our relatives
We lost our other halves
We lost our friends
We lost hope … we almost lost the will to go on living

But;

We have them in our memories
We have them forever in our hearts
We have hope for a brighter tomorrow
… and until that day when we shall reunite with the loved ones we lost, we have each other

In memory of victims of the Dana air plane crash that took over one hundred and fifty lives on June 3rd, 2012.

May their souls rest in perfect peace…

Choose my book title

I’m days away from completing my first book (woohoo!) and I would like¬†YOU to give your honest opinions on which title I should use (yikes!). But¬†here’s a few things to note:

What¬†my book¬†isn’t

  • Boring
  • Voluminous
  • Conservative
  • Complex
  • Depressing

What my book will be (hopefully)

  • Revealing
  • Informative
  • Playful
  • Funny
  • Unique

My book is in two parts: Part I is a collection of all my¬†intriguing childhood and teenage experiences within Nigeria and the United Kingdom; and¬†Part¬†II is a collection of¬†the¬†most popular¬†posts on my blog. My story is a comical take on my journey to self-discovery and my desperate attempts to fit into this odd world. My wish is that this book will inspire readers from all walks of life to accept themselves for who they are no matter¬†what critics say, and to pursue¬†their passion because that’s usually¬†the one thing that makes¬†us feel alive.

Book titles for consideration

  • The Crazy Nigerian (Same title as my blog)
  • Crazy Nigerian Boy
  • A spoonful of Imbroglio
  • This joke’s on me
  • X, Y, Me
  • Moonwalking down Memory Lane (I’m a big MJ fan)
  • Shut up! I’m talking…to myself
  • What they didn’t know
  • So you thought I wouldn’t publish this
  • Experience was¬†my worst teacher
  • They don’t teach you this at school
  • Right off my chest
  • My brain¬†is at the¬†drycleaners
  • Air miles and plastic smiles
  • The Write-Off

If you could spare a minute and just Cut & Paste the title or titles you like,¬†or you could conjure up a catchy title that you think will suit the type of book I’m writing – that’ll be great!

The Reward!

As part of a giveaway, I will be making an online version of my book available to all the people who comment on this post with their choice of title (or suggested title).¬†Entries will close by April 30th, 2012¬†and thereafter I’ll send¬†your¬†exclusive free e-book¬†to your email addy ūüôā

Your’s truly,

*Jollof*  

From Clueless to Cashless

Earlier this year the unpredictable populace of Lagos staged a 6-day strike over the removal of the fuel subsidy, and unfortunately some protesters lost their lives.¬†The¬†Federal Government quickly¬†realized that Lagos residents could not be coerced into accepting anything thrown at them. Fast forward to¬†March 31st 2012¬†and it is of no surprise that the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) held its breath¬† as¬†its¬†controversial¬†‘Cashless’ policy was about to¬†come into full effect.¬†Individuals and companies were determined to avoid incurring any unnecessary charges for depositing or withdrawing cash over the counter at banks.¬†Both parties were armed with their weapons of choice: ATM debit cards, Cheque books, Mobile banking, Internet banking, Point of Sale (POS)¬†Terminals and Fund Transfer Instructions. With agitated customers at one end and a ‘discerning’ government body at the other, guess who was going to be caught in the middle of crossfire? Me! – the bloody banker!¬†But before¬†any blood is¬†shed¬†I would like to shed more light on this issue.

If you walked into a Lagos-based bank today to withdraw more than N500,000 in cash ($3,175) from your bank account you would incur a 3% fee on the excess. If you were to deposit more than N500,000 in cash into your bank account you would incur a 2% fee on the excess. Similarly, if you own a company and you deposited or withdrew more than N3,000,000 in one day you would incur a 3% and 5% fee respectively on the excess. The underlying idea is to discourage the use of cash. But in a highly cash-driven economy such as Nigeria does CBN have any clue just how attached the people are to those Naira notes and how unprepared the system is for this ambitious project?

Prior to this cash-policy there was an older version released last year that raised eyebrows (and jolted machetes) amongst the Nigerian community. The thought of potentially having to pay fees as high as 10% and 20% (for individuals and companies) all because you were paying in or withdrawing more than the stipulated CBN cash limit was worrisome. The evil eyes usually rested with the banks because we were the ones keeping these fees by the time they were automatically deducted from account holders.

However there are some ‘artful dodgers’ who’ve simply decided to open multiple bank accounts in order to spread significant lodgment or withdrawals. Those who are ‘strategists’¬†(and probably avid¬†fans of¬†Sun Tzu) have¬†formally¬†written to the banks¬†instructing that no¬†lodgement¬†over the CBN¬†cash limit be paid into their corporate accounts.¬†Some ‘desperadoes’ withdrew as much of their money as possible before¬†March 31st even though they couldn’t escape the¬†‘COT’¬†(Cost of Turnover) which Nigerian banks have gotten away with charging¬†for charging sake, allegedly (but that’s another story).

At the moment the cash-less initiative is still at the pilot stage in Lagos till the end of 2012 when the policy will impact the rest of Nigeria. Meanwhile, some ATMs still have periodic downtimes for reasons other than being out of cash; some POS terminals still decline transactions based on card type used or signal strength in the POS location; Internet banking is sometimes cumbersome when you have to rely on choppy connectivity from telecom companies, whom I believe do not have the capacity or infrastructure yet to cater for Lagos let alone Nigeria as a whole.

While the rest of us watch and wait, only time will tell if CBN will go full circle; from clueless to cashless to clueless…

Eight Delicious Foods That Help Fight Belly Fat

And that’s the secret to my flat tummy ūüėÄ

Upwardliving's Blog

(CBS)¬†¬†NEW YORK ‚ÄĒ In the battle of the bulge, belly fat is an especially tough opponent. But there are actually a number of foods that are great for your taste buds and your waistline. They help you fight belly fat. And you may find this hard to believe, but they‚Äôre so delicious, you probably already eat them!

Belly Fat-Fighting Foods

1. Avocados

Merely half of one avocado contains 10 grams of healthy mono-saturated fats, which stop the blood sugar spikes that tell your body to store fat around your midsection.

Not only do healthy fats in avocado help thwart belly bloat, they also help our bodies better absorb carotenoids, cancer-fighting compounds found in colorful fruits and veggies like tomatoes, carrots, spinach and winter squash. In fact, people who ate salads with avocado had 15 times higher absorption of carotenoids, a study from The Ohio State University at Columbus found.

2…

View original post 286 more words