Fight the power!

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It feels like just yesterday when I was told by my guardian in Lagos that I was being shipped off yet again but this time to my new owner. I was excited. I was finally going to be out of my carton box and into the hands of the next doctor, lawyer, architect, or Nobel Prize winner. I expected so much but I equally had so much to offer. You see, my parents (Hewlett and Packard) sent me out to make a difference in someone’s life. Among my friends, SONY, Dell, Asus, Samsung and LG I was the ENVY of the pack: with my soft touch backlit keyboard, chrome finish, Beats Audio, fingerprint scan, 12GB RAM and 1 Terabyte of storage.

The hot climate of Nigeria has been nothing like the cool US climate I’ve been accustomed to from birth. I’ve even heard rumours before my arrival in that the Internet connectivity in Nigeria was slow and that data bundles usually got depleted quickly. I even heard that WiFi wasn’t common in a lot of urban areas – that’s unthinkable. I wondered what my new owner would be like. After I arrived at a high-rise building on the Marina skyline I wondered if I was on my way to the CEO!

My first impression when my carton box opened and I saw this bald guy with glasses beaming down at me I thought, ‘Who the heck is this bald guy with glasses beaming down at me?’ ‘Does this guy have big teeth or is he just really happy to see me?’ ‘Is he handling me with extreme care or is he touching me inappropriately?’ ‘Look at his desk?’ ‘I hope this guy is the one who’s only going to charge me up and hand me over to my true owner’. Alas, after the whole ceremony of his colleagues coming to pet me (and congratulate him), I realized that wherever this guy was taking me after work would be my new home, whether I liked it or not. But I had a backup plan.

There was this thing one of the other laptops in my former warehouse told me – If you didn’t like a particular owner fight the power button. Basically if someone tried to press the power button after a full charge I would simply resist and keep my monitor screen off. After several failed attempts what usually happened was that the irate owner would call the local supplier and ask for either a replacement or a refund. I had never subjected any potential owner to this ordeal before but I was bracing myself just in case.

We got to his apartment late in the evening (not that I had a curfew in the first place) and he unwrapped and mounted me on his dining table. His place looked quite neat and decent but I didn’t want to get sentimental or weak right before possibly having to ‘fight the power’. As he went into his bedroom perhaps to get out of his work clothes, I scanned the dining table and noticed a few business cards, a note pad, tissue box, cuff links and this colourful little book lying on its front cover. I noticed the name on the book binder and I recall it was an unusual name I heard earlier in his office when his colleagues asked who owned the laptop. This was beginning to seem a lot better than I had hoped. I read the synopsis on the back and confirmed that he was indeed a writer. For me, that meant I wouldn’t be neglected. I would get more attention than his TV, social media or his girlfriend(s). I would be his first thought in the morning and his last thought at night. Life was going to be bliss.

Fast forward 3 months later and this facade couldn’t be any further from the truth. He hasn’t touched me or so much as even looked at me since he started his new job role. It seems to be taking so much of his time. He comes back later than usually and goes straight to bed. Even with the WiFi on prefers to browse on his smartphone and not on me like he used to. I’m suspecting that desktop I saw when I first arrived at my owner’s office. I think he’s cheating on me. And if he doesn’t typing something on his so-called crazy blog I WILL fight the power for real this time.

SNAP! You’ve got the power

Yes, I am giving you the power (and no ordinary power I must add) to choose what I blog about next. I had so many ideas in my zero-afro head and when they all started driving me crazy I thought I’d let YOU (my loyal followers, curious surfers and loony stalkers) decide and put me out of my misery. Think of this like giving me medical marijuana to take away the pain – okay okay, writing is the best therapy ‘cos it keeps me sane…

*Important* – You can vote as much as you like until Saturday 12 noon GMT+1 and the ¬†topic with the highest count will be the one I blog about on Sunday (Jack Bauer’s got to love this self-imposed deadline…geeez)

 

Thanks for taking part ūüôā

Image source: Gadafini-club.blogspot.com 

 

 

Freshly Pressed: Why WordPress won’t pop my blog’s cherry

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If you’re like me, a¬†former couch potato¬†who once innocently surfed the internet one boring evening for free platforms where I could start my own blog, you would agree that WordPress is the Nokia of blogs in its simplicity, theme variety … Continue reading

Turning over a new L.E.A.F

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Dear readers and bloggers, everyday the web gives birth to ‘bouncing’ blogs all over the world. If you listen carefully the next time you’re online, you’ll hear the patter of tiny posts and blog subscriptions (unfortunately there is also the … Continue reading

Choose my book title

I’m days away from completing my first book (woohoo!) and I would like¬†YOU to give your honest opinions on which title I should use (yikes!). But¬†here’s a few things to note:

What¬†my book¬†isn’t

  • Boring
  • Voluminous
  • Conservative
  • Complex
  • Depressing

What my book will be (hopefully)

  • Revealing
  • Informative
  • Playful
  • Funny
  • Unique

My book is in two parts: Part I is a collection of all my¬†intriguing childhood and teenage experiences within Nigeria and the United Kingdom; and¬†Part¬†II is a collection of¬†the¬†most popular¬†posts on my blog. My story is a comical take on my journey to self-discovery and my desperate attempts to fit into this odd world. My wish is that this book will inspire readers from all walks of life to accept themselves for who they are no matter¬†what critics say, and to pursue¬†their passion because that’s usually¬†the one thing that makes¬†us feel alive.

Book titles for consideration

  • The Crazy Nigerian (Same title as my blog)
  • Crazy Nigerian Boy
  • A spoonful of Imbroglio
  • This joke’s on me
  • X, Y, Me
  • Moonwalking down Memory Lane (I’m a big MJ fan)
  • Shut up! I’m talking…to myself
  • What they didn’t know
  • So you thought I wouldn’t publish this
  • Experience was¬†my worst teacher
  • They don’t teach you this at school
  • Right off my chest
  • My brain¬†is at the¬†drycleaners
  • Air miles and plastic smiles
  • The Write-Off

If you could spare a minute and just Cut & Paste the title or titles you like,¬†or you could conjure up a catchy title that you think will suit the type of book I’m writing – that’ll be great!

The Reward!

As part of a giveaway, I will be making an online version of my book available to all the people who comment on this post with their choice of title (or suggested title).¬†Entries will close by April 30th, 2012¬†and thereafter I’ll send¬†your¬†exclusive free e-book¬†to your email addy ūüôā

Your’s truly,

*Jollof*  

Time to tweak my 2011 resolution

Happy New Year! Welcome to my first post in 2012. I’ve delayed this post¬†for long enough and despite having the worst, chesty¬†cough in medical history (or what I prefer to call ‘a¬†phlegm fest’), coupled with a double-cancellation on a confirmed flight booking¬†which forced me to endure a 7-hour spacebus ride on pothole-riddled roads back to Lagos, I’ve summoned enough strength and sanity to finally grace my keyboard and serve you yet another crazy article (Don’t worry, Air Nigeria; I’ll be suing your asses right after I hit the ‘Publish’ button).

Last year I made a couple of resolutions and now I thought it best to fine tune them so they’re a bit more…well…feasible. I don’t see the point in saying, for example,¬†‘This year I¬†am going to quit smoking’ and then by¬†January 10th you’re frantically¬†ransacking your apartment for that ’emergency¬†cigarette’; you know, the one you consciously hid on the same day you made that resolution, just in case. Anyway, here’s a peek at¬†updates for my new year resolution:

2011: Go out more
2012: Go out more than once a week or else I’ll end up only having online friends and virtual cocktails/events on Facebook

2011: Do exercise
2012: Do exercise only when my reckless bingeing is an inch from taking its toll on my belly, or I can just stick to believing that Love Handles actually come from Cupid.

2011: Open a couple more saving accounts
2012: Open a couple more saving accounts and actually put money into all of them to avoid the painstaking ordeal of reactivating dormant accounts.

2011: Learn another language
2012: Learn another language when I can ascertain that some of the side talk (from suspicious colleagues speaking that other language) is about me.

2011: Date young women
2012: Date young women and confirm from their siblings or online yearbooks whether they are definitely not 5 years younger or older than I am.

2011: Wear my heart on my sleeve
2012: Wear my heart on my sleeve as far as special cufflinks are concerned.

2011: Finish writing my book
2012: Finish writing my book even if I can only manage a hundred pages and it’s mostly a compilation of every embarrassing (but strangely entertaining) moment in my life.

I’ll spare you any further insights to my resolutions for fear of possible adoption and replication. This year, try to keep your resolutions…and if you can’t do that then keep your sanity. Now, where’s that Air Nigeria Customer Complaint line…