Keep Calm…

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Happy Valentine’s Day 2016

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Hello dear fans and visitors, (why are you still visitors? show some love and follow my blog today teehee).

In true Cupid style I decided to send this special love post that perfectly encapsulates the essence of Valentines Day. If you have a partner show them how special they are. It’s not always about gifts. You can make someone’s day just by saying the right words from your heart – not everyone is hell-bent on chocolates, flowers and teddies. If you’re single then let that dream partner know that they’re on your mind today. You can also extend your love to your family members – mum, dad, mother-in-law, father-in-law, etc. But most importantly, love yourself. You can’t begin to show love to others if you don’t love yourself. I love me and I love you all for your loyalty, your curiosity, your consistency, your commentary, and your generosity in sharing my posts. Happy #ValentinesDay

Image credits: Google

5 Unoffending Ways to address your Boss at the Office

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If you’re working in an office and there is a clear policy on how staff are meant to address each other, then you’re in the clear – as far as your team mates are concerned. But this doesn’t always hold true when dealing with some supervisors, bosses or any staff that is above your level or grade. Whether you like it or not Office Politics exists and sometimes needs to be understood in order to avoid pitfalls that could ultimately leave you in the bad books of your superiors.

I have been at the receiving end of criticism for calling some bosses by their first name while I have equally received criticism for not referring to bosses by their first name. In a place like Nigeria where culture tends to override bureaucracy I therefore felt it necessary to list ways you can refer to both direct and indirect bosses (by email or speech) without annoying them:

5 Unoffending Ways to Address Boss

I would be very careful with #4 because if your boss’s name is Brian O’Donnell then you might not be getting away with calling him or her B.O, likewise Freda Upton, Ben Johnson and Peter Pledge. I particularly like #5 which gives you the peace of mind that you are addressing your boss just the way he or she wants.

How to cope with Traffic on Third Mainland Bridge

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Mindfullness_angry_driverDear motorists of 3RDMB,

When I see you in traffic every evening during the week I see the frustration in your faces. I see the hurt in your bloodshot eyes (from staring too long at brake lights). I feel the pain in your arms (from latching unto your steering wheels for 2 hours). It’s insane to say the least. On 3RDMB rush hour in the morning is between 5.45 and 10am while in the evening it’s typically between 6.30 and 9.30 pm. After 7 years of being a victim of locomotion (loco as in ‘crazy’ in Spanish) and getting high on ‘secondhand exhaust fumes’ I believe at this point it is my civil duty to share how you can cope with the menace that is the traffic on 3RDMB:

Rule 1: Wise up

I hate unpleasant surprises; 3RDMB being in my top 3. That’s why I log in to GIDITRAFFIC, TSABOIN TRAFFIC TALK and TRAFFICBUTTER APP on Twitter for the latest updates on all my routes out of the Mad Arena more commonly known as the Marina. These info sources are a Godsend if you have access to the Internet and want online real-time news about the state of traffic on all major Lagos routes. If you’re more of the radio listening type you can tune in to 96.1 Traffic FM and get the scoop there. Even if all your other alternative routes are experiencing traffic at least you’ll know which one has that broken down trailer blocking two-thirds of the three-lane road!!! Don’t drive off without getting your traffic information right or you’ll be singing ‘Bumper to bumper’ @wandecoal

Rule 2: Snack up

If you’re driving a brand new car and your rule of thumb is never to eat in it then think again. Motorists would agree that by the time you’re motionless on 3RDMB at about 9.30pm and you start nodding off to sleep on the wheel, you’re gonna need more than your stereo to keep you awake. But help is on the bridge. They roam the tarmac with multiple bags of popcorn, cartons of plantain chips and other munchies. I call these heroes Teenage Hell-bent Ninja Hawkers. Have you seen them run after motorists to make that sale? Usain Bolt aint got nothing on these guys and I say that boldly because he’s not running between the narrow spaces of moving trucks and danfo buses. If you haven’t noticed them by now then they’re better ninjas than I thought. The first set of hawkers when you get close to the UniLag waterfront section of 3RDMB sell Popcorn. A few 100 metres down the bridge you begin to see plantain chips and the occasional coconut chips and chin-chin. If you still haven’t made up your mind about what snack you want after this point then get ready for…(drumroll)…Rat poison. I still don’t get the connection and I’ve debated this severally with my passengers. Why have snacks, drinks and rat poison sold in that order? Don’t ask me. Ask the Teenage Hell-bent Ninja Hawkers. I’m yet to see a rat invasion at the end of 3RDMB so for now I ain’t buying.

Rule 3: Wind up

Last but not least, switch on that air conditioning and wind up your windows. Why? Because this is Lagos where open car windows are an invitation to robbery attacks. Some of the hawkers I mentioned earlier are informants and robbers in disguise. That said, keep your windows low enough to let your snack have easy access into your car and then wind up immediately you’ve paid the hawker. This is no time to be a cheapskate with your fuel consumption. ‘Ember’ months are in and the armed robbers are out. So unless you’ve got a car with external gadgets to apprehend or maim your attackers, EVERYBODY’S WINDOWS GO UP!….AND THEY STAY THERE! AND THEY STAY THERE! AND THEY STAY THERE! NOT DOWN, NOT DOWN, NOT DOWN or all you do is SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM lol.

Even as I type this article on this fine Saturday I’m already dreading 3RDMB blues which set in round about 5pm every week day. Well, it is what it is. Remember, Wise up, Snack up and Wind up.

Till Monday when I see you on the bridge, this is the Crazy Nigerian zooming off!

What kind of friend are you?

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that one friendWhether you like it or not your friends see you in a certain way; you could be either at the top or the bottom of their priority list, you could be the last thought on their mind before they go to bed or the first thought that makes them want to let out a torrent of abuses, or you could be the one who they think of going out of their way for to buy a birthday gift or the one whom they can’t even be bothered to drop an ‘HBD’ one-liner on your Facebook page wall (is that what they call it these days?). It all begs the question ‘What kind of friend are you to your friends?’

1. The Hangout friend – Some of your friends might just see you as the one they call when they want to have a good time at the restaurant, club, bar, ice-skating rink, movies (you get my drift). A night on the town is fun with you (and a night on the prowl is equally fun with you). They don’t see you as indoor person and you’re usually the same person they turn to for advice on hangout spots and 9 outta 10 you’re the one who plans get-togethers for your friend circle.

2. The Make out friend – You may have a friend or two who don’t want to be in a serious, committed relationship but still want to be able to kiss and caress you every time from time to time. A more common term used to describe this arrangement is ‘Friends with benefits’ and ‘No strings attached’. Whether or not they want to be seen in public with you is an entirely separate matter. You’ll find that if you’re this type of friend to someone it doesn’t usually last long…or at least one of you gets into a relationship.

3. The Handout friend – Your friends would looooooooove you if you were this type of friend. I mean, who wouldn’t? Every time you all go out the drinks are on you. You have dinner and the bill is on you. You throw parties every now and again where your friends are not compelled to bring so much as a complimentary bottle of wine (cheapskates!). Best (or worst) of all they see you as the person they can ask for soft loans or what I like to call N.G.P.B loans (‘Never Gonna Pay Back’ loans). Note: They will definitely be coming round for Christmas!

4.The Opt out friend – Maybe you’re the one who likes to always turn down invitations to weddings, parties, church functions, dinners, etc. You’re the one who never wants to contribute money to any group investment where you all stand to benefit. You’re more than likely to receive fewer invitations as time goes by (and then you’re dependent on social media for updates on what your friends are up to).

5.The No doubt friend – To some of your friends you could be seen as the one whom they can count on no matter what. Are they stranded in the Kalahari desert? You’ll be quick to the rescue. Are they in dire need of a kidney donor? You’re already taking your shirt off and jumping on the operating table. Once you’re around everyone around you has peace of mind knowing full well that you are in control, you are dependable and you are solid as a rock. Everyone needs to have at least one friend like this but they’re hard to come by.

6. The Mad about friend – It could be that you’re so loyal, eloquent, well-dressed, good-looking, fun to be with, the one who can do no wrong – if that’s you then you’re probably no. 1 on their priority friends list. They’re borderline obsessed with you and in extreme cases you have to beat them off with a stick. They want to be in all your business all the time.

7.The Talk about friend – Now if you’re this type of friend it could be a hit or miss. If you’re up to no good they’ll be talking about you and spreading exaggerated rumours. You probably refer to them as haters. On the other hand, if you’re trail blazing and moving on up in life they will be speaking well of you and even boasting that they know you personally (persona-personally – Naija peeps will get this). You don’t have to be a celeb to be this kind of friend. Just keep doing controversial stuff and you’re bound to get your friends’ attention.

8. The Inside Out friend – Are you the friend that knows everything about your friends? You know their birthdays, their strengths and weaknesses, their phobias and pet peeves, and so much more than they could ever know about themselves. You have to be someone who is trustworthy for your friends to be able to divulge their deepest, darkest secrets.

9. The Time Out friend – Your friends turn to you when they’ve had a long, stressful day or they’ve just come out of a nasty break-up or they want to just escape from the seriousness of life for a moment and just chill out with you. When the going is good they may not be in touch very much but once things start to go a bit ‘Pete Tong’ your phone number is right on their fingertip.

It’s quite possible to be one or even all of these friend types to your various friends. Which friend do you think you are to most of your friends? 🙂

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So this is Christmas…about freakin’ time!

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xmas celebrationI can’t tell you how glad I am that the holidays are back in full swing…and my blog is covered in full snow. I’ve been closing pretty late from work because the traffic going home has been unbearable for the last couple of days (and to that I say a sarcastic thank you to all those last-minute village-bound travelers and last-minute shoppers). I need a well-deserved break but I will drop a post very soon. Got to take care of me for a while. Hope for your sake it’ll be worth the wait 🙂

MERRY CHRISTMAS MY DEAR FANS! I’M CRAZY ABOUT EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU! *Insert heart-wrenching Christmas carol here*

Sunday Roast…on a Wednesday?

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It’s a nice feeling when you come back to Nigeria after living in the UK for a decade and not have to miss certain ‘luxuries’ like a good ol’ roast dinner – God bless the British! In this picture my mum’s hands (on the left) and my sister’s hand (on the right) prepared this sumptuous dish of roasted pork, roasted potatoes, roasted vegetables, stuffing and home-made gravy (God bless ’em). This was on New Year’s day which fell on a Wednesday hence the cause for special chow. By the way, the two hands in the middle are my dad’s which had no involvement in the cooking, just the eating. My hands were busy taking the picture, obviously 🙂

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