Let me introduce you to my stalkers!

For those of you who run their blogs it’s interesting to know what search items led them there. This is long overdue but my conclusion after this eye-opening exercise is that there are quite a number of weirdos out there, some of whom I am willing to help and others whom I prefer would never come back to my blog. Quite a number of the search items I’ll be highlighting are the most popular and most bizarre. Be it all one stalker (based on the number of times the search items appeared) or multiple stalkers, here are the terms they used to find me (and what I wish I could have said to them face-to-face ):

  • Is it ok for men to cry (I can give you ten reasons why it is!)
  • awkward pictures (If you’re using my camera then you shouldn’t have a problem)
  • crazy nigerians (Tadaah!!!)
  • nigerian porn blog (sorry to disappoint you, now run along like a good perv…)
  • yellow brick road nigeria (I presume you already have a pair of magic red shoes…)
  • nigerian neighbours are so noisy (tell me about it…can’t live with ’em can’t kill ’em)
  • interview with santa claus (so I’m not the only one upset with Santa…I knew it!)
  • acid rain in nigeria (Apologies, acid rain is harmless. You can come outside now)
  • hair transplant in nigeria (if you get lucky on this one call me ASAP!)
  • dating a cheapskate (I feel bad he’s a bum; I got 99 problems but the bill aint one 🙂 )
  • nigerian bluetooth (Is there an American, British or Chinese bluetooth too???)
  • where to get help in nigeria feeling suicidal (I hope you went to that link I suggested)
  • skyfall homophobic (Hmmm, were there actually any homosexuals in that movie?)
  • is eddie murphy nigerian (*insert Axel Foley laugh here*)
  • men on toilet (okaaaaaay…is that what gets you off? don’t answer that…)
  • married men who don’t wear rings (what you planning to do? Kill ’em or date ’em?)
  • nigerian ass (I presume you mean butt and not donkey…so date a nigerian, duh!)
  • viewer discretion is advised strong language (so go rent a PG movie…geez!)

On a final note, I would like to address my stalkers with this message:

‘Dear stalkers *clears throat and gulps a glass of red wine* I don’t quite know how to put this but I’m deeply disturbed not just by the type of search items you used to find me but the frequency! I’m glad some of you found me and are probably followers of my blog now but there are obviously some personal issues you need to sort out (especially the ‘men on toilet’ person). The searches I’m used to and prefer are ‘crazy nigerian’, ‘nigerian blog’ ‘funny nigerian blog’ and ‘nigerian blog’ just to mention a few. If I misled you in anyway then I sincerely apologize. The Crazy Nigerian is all about crazy, funny posts that leave a smile on your face. You’d have to pay me to get anything else!’

Note: Crazy Nigerian definition of ‘Stalker’ – a weirdo who types bizarre search items repeatedly and keeps monitoring an individual or his/her premise hoping for a glimpse of what is being searched for. Their persistent surveillance is mind boggling.

Stalkers are advised to follow @dcrazynigerian on twitter for 100% stalkersfaction.

Shout out to the Bloggess and Livelytwist – my inspirations for this post idea 🙂

Till next week!

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11 thoughts on “Let me introduce you to my stalkers!

  1. Rolling on the floor with laughter! I sort of get the connection between Crazy Nigerian and porn, viewer discretion, hair transplant, Nigerian bluetooth, etc. But, yellow brick road nigeria ? Ok, I agree with you, I presume they already have a pair of magic red shoes 🙂

    Like

  2. I am not sure whether I should have been shocked or gasp in disbelief of what search terms people have used but they made me smile, is that the warped crazy sense of humor peeking through or just the way you wrote this with such a great sense of humor, but yes it is slightly disturbing when people keep typing in as you say hoping to catch something that you know will never be there.

    Like

    • Thanks Stephen. I dunno what it is but I just write the way I write because of the way I react to things around me I guess. That post would never have come to life if my stalkers weren’t ‘on duty’ in the first place. Hope you voted on my poll – I need help deciding what crazy thing to write about next :s

      Like

  3. I actually searched for you with your name Tonwa Anthony. Lol! After reading your book on Okada books. I see I am kind of a late entrant and I feel like I won’t catch up with all the things you have blogged about. *sobs*
    I love your writing. Its sooo on point.

    Like

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