Freshly Pressed: Why WordPress won’t pop my blog’s cherry

If you’re like me, a former couch potato who once innocently surfed the internet one boring evening for free platforms where I could start my own blog, you would agree that WordPress is the Nokia of blogs in its simplicity, theme variety and user friendliness. About 20 (gruelling) posts and 3 page views later however you soon realize that some mafia elite bloggers on the other side of the WP Blogosphere are getting all the action! I’m talking red white carpet treatment complete with hundreds of Likes, Comments and Reblogs. Now all of a sudden you start to feel this new urge to blog not just for the fun of it but to make a mark on the Freshly Pressed Wall of Fame…it becomes your life ambition!

Let’s face it – If Freshly Pressed was Superman then my posts would be Kryptonite!

But 4 years later all your efforts have been in vain – and for those of my loyal followers who’ve probably wondered to themselves, ‘Why hasn’t this fella ever been FP’ed?‘ here’s 7 probable reasons why:

1. My Blog Title – Once upon a time it used to be ‘Nigerian Interrupted‘ and then a year or so later I felt the metamorphosis was finally complete, hence the necessary title update. Some have said my blog title could come across as offensive. So what did I do? I went ahead and published THE book! Meanwhile, I thought Thoughts of a Lunatic was kinda of a crazy title too but that cool blog got freshly pressed…four times!

2. Traffic – I must confess, for a blog that has over 1,000 followers across various social media worldwide I’m quite baffled that I only get a couple hundred daily views. What are the rest of y’all following me for? *scratches bald head*

‘I wanna run over there and play with them but *sob* they said I’ve not been featured on freshly pressed…’

3. Geographical location – Now, if you look carefully at this live WordPress Statistical map you’ll notice posts, comments and likes being published all over the world; there’s flickering lights in US and Europe mostly but just like the electricity situation in Nigeria there’s barely any lights! Conclusion; it’s too dark to see me 😦

4. Overall WP activity – I suspect there are WordPress auditors who go round WP blogs and check the level of interactivity of bloggers; how much they comment on other blogs, how much they reblog memorable posts of other bloggers, and how often they push the Like button. Clearly I’m way below par but I swear I’ll do better this year…cross my keyboard and hope to type 🙂

‘We are watching you…’

5. WordPress ‘Black book’ – If there is any such thing in the first place I’m probably in it after some unfortunate  stunt I pulled. Like some of us do when we get a bit desperate for traffic and need a quick fix, I decided to add a traffic generator link from some dodgy website round the corner. The result – my site was taken off WordPress. I’ve never felt so terrified in my life. I must have written the most heart-wrenching letter ever to the moderators and some days later my site was back up. Maybe there’s no chance of getting Freshly Pressed at this stage.

6. mY wRiTiNg StYle – Last time I checked I hardly used swear words in my writing but I’ve seen quite a bit of filthy words in a few glorified posts of freshly pressed bloggers. Do I really have to go that far? Is the absence of such words portraying a falseness about my character? Am I possibly not being perceived as Crazy from the Block? Anyway, what the hell am I talking all this shit for when you probably don’t give a fuck. Let’s face it – If Freshly Pressed was Superman then my posts would be Kryptonite!

7. Hundreds of thousands of WP bloggers to contend with – I’d have to be extremely lucky to write a super post that satisfies all the almighty Freshly Pressed commandments and gets discovered by an FPJ (Freshly Pressed Judge) who happens to think it’s a good contender. I’ve probably got better odds being rammed into by a speeding bus which swerved off a lane divider and somersaulted like it was in a Fast and Furious stunt set…oh wait, that actually happened last week (look out for more details coming soon).

And so we come to the end of this roller-coaster steamroller ride aptly designed to flatten my ego and amuse you. Will I get Freshly Pressed in 2014? I think my face says it all…

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32 thoughts on “Freshly Pressed: Why WordPress won’t pop my blog’s cherry

  1. Lol that was a hilarious and interesting post. Being freshly pressed is a dream of every blogger and every time I wait for any of my post to get there but it don’t, I think that there are many writers out there writing better than me and they deserve that. Not a clever approach but it works 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Looooool. This blog post speaks my mind, fam. Although in my case I’ve considered my blog so backwater that it’d never have its cherry popped in the WP blogosphere.

    Mah blog wee die a virgin! 😦

    I have closure now though.

    Awesome post as always. This year might just be your year….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lol@geographical location… when I checked it, the only light from Africa, was blinking from Nigeria, ha ha, there’s hope yet 🙂
    Nice post & thanks for sharing that map, I’m writing a post about it!

    Like

    • my beloved livelytwist from whom I receive frequent link juice, I appreciate your comment and look forward to reading that post about the statistical map (wish I could have inserted an image but they’ve got restrictions…sigh)

      Like

  4. Or it could possibly be that you are much too powerful. People can only hand so much brilliance! Honestly though, I rarely read other people’s blogs anymore because no one catches my interest these days … your writing style, on the other hand, is right up my alley. I don’t think that blacklist will hold onto you much longer.

    Like

  5. I’ve been blogging for about a year and have never heard of FP. I guess with my piss-poor traffic, my lazy-a*s blogging schedule and my caustic Nigerian tongue WP blacklisted me too. Lmao.

    Like

  6. I was wondering if you ever thought of changing the structure of your site?
    Its very well written; I love what youve got to say.
    But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people
    could connect with it better. Youve got an awful
    lot of text for only having 1 or 2 pictures. Maybe you could space
    it out better?

    Like

  7. Pingback: Freshly Pressed: Why WordPress won’t pop my blog’s cherry | Michael Ukpabi Blog

  8. i’ve been “Freshly Pressed,” but you can still come play with me! (just don’t spam me, k) being Freshly Pressed comes with its down sides…

    Like

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