If you’re like me, a former couch potato who once innocently surfed the internet one boring evening for free platforms where I could start my own blog, you would agree that WordPress is the Nokia of blogs in its simplicity, theme variety and user friendliness. About 20 (gruelling) posts and 3 page views later however you soon realize that some
mafia elite bloggers on the other side of the WP Blogosphere are getting all the action! I’m talking red white carpet treatment complete with hundreds of Likes, Comments and Reblogs. Now all of a sudden you start to feel this new urge to blog not just for the fun of it but to make a mark on the Freshly Pressed Wall of Fame…it becomes your life ambition!
Let’s face it – If Freshly Pressed was Superman then my posts would be Kryptonite!
But 4 years later all your efforts have been in vain – and for those of my loyal followers who’ve probably wondered to themselves, ‘Why hasn’t this fella ever been FP’ed?‘ here’s 7 probable reasons why:
1. My Blog Title – Once upon a time it used to be ‘Nigerian Interrupted‘ and then a year or so later I felt the metamorphosis was finally complete, hence the necessary title update. Some have said my blog title could come across as offensive. So what did I do? I went ahead and published THE book! Meanwhile, I thought Thoughts of a Lunatic was kinda of a crazy title too but that cool blog got freshly pressed…four times!
2. Traffic – I must confess, for a blog that has over 1,000 followers across various social media worldwide I’m quite baffled that I only get a couple hundred daily views. What are the rest of y’all following me for? *scratches bald head*
3. Geographical location – Now, if you look carefully at this live WordPress Statistical map you’ll notice posts, comments and likes being published all over the world; there’s flickering lights in US and Europe mostly but just like the electricity situation in Nigeria there’s barely any lights! Conclusion; it’s too dark to see me 😦
4. Overall WP activity – I suspect there are WordPress auditors who go round WP blogs and check the level of interactivity of bloggers; how much they comment on other blogs, how much they reblog memorable posts of other bloggers, and how often they push the Like button. Clearly I’m way below par but I swear I’ll do better this year…cross my keyboard and hope to type 🙂
5. WordPress ‘Black book’ – If there is any such thing in the first place I’m probably in it after some unfortunate stunt I pulled. Like some of us do when we get a bit desperate for traffic and need a quick fix, I decided to add a traffic generator link from some dodgy website round the corner. The result – my site was taken off WordPress. I’ve never felt so terrified in my life. I must have written the most heart-wrenching letter ever to the moderators and some days later my site was back up. Maybe there’s no chance of getting Freshly Pressed at this stage.
6. mY wRiTiNg StYle – Last time I checked I hardly used swear words in my writing but I’ve seen quite a bit of filthy words in a few glorified posts of freshly pressed bloggers. Do I really have to go that far? Is the absence of such words portraying a falseness about my character? Am I possibly not being perceived as Crazy from the Block? Anyway, what the hell am I talking all this shit for when you probably don’t give a fuck. Let’s face it – If Freshly Pressed was Superman then my posts would be Kryptonite!
7. Hundreds of thousands of WP bloggers to contend with – I’d have to be extremely lucky to write a super post that satisfies all the almighty Freshly Pressed commandments and gets discovered by an FPJ (Freshly Pressed Judge) who happens to think it’s a good contender. I’ve probably got better odds being rammed into by a speeding bus which swerved off a lane divider and somersaulted like it was in a Fast and Furious stunt set…oh wait, that actually happened last week (look out for more details coming soon).
And so we come to the end of this
roller-coaster steamroller ride aptly designed to flatten my ego and amuse you. Will I get Freshly Pressed in 2014? I think my face says it all…