The truth about Men and Toilet seats | Image vs Text

This post has been modified to comply with the Image vs Text DPchallenge. Picture this: He is about to erupt like a volcano. He’s been running around all day and he’s not yet had a chance to empty his swollen bladder. He finally makes it to the toilet and just barely manages to undo his jeans zip whilst stomping his feet like he’s been treading barefoot on hot coal. At this point his eyes are already firmly rolled to the back of his head as he positions himself to take aim into the toilet bowl below. He has already made up his mind to take a stand because in HIS mind he’s a sharp shooter. So he brandishes his ‘piss tool’, he aims, he shoots and to his surprise he misses…but the toilet seat gets it.

This is a common phenomenon that has baffled women for centuries; not the fact that men miss but that they choose not to lift the toilet seat up. Now, I’m going to attempt approaching this sensitive topic as objectively as possible. There are 4 types of men that use the toilet:

toilet seat - lazya) The Lazy man – This breed of man makes up close to 80 percent of the world’s population. They consist of those who are ready to take a piss just about anywhere in public. They urinate directly on the DO NOT URINATE HERE signs, at least in Nigeria. The toilet seat, in their eyes, is a 50 pound weight that requires brute strength in lifting. These amateur artists will turn any white canvas into a bed of yellow poker dots. And if you expect them to clean up after themselves then please revert to the type of man (in bold) being analyzed in point ‘a’.

toilet seat - peeing directionsb) The Proud man – This type of man may not necessarily have anything to be proud of but certainly feels too big to bend over and touch a toilet seat, let alone lift it. He has more ‘important things’ to worry about. He thinks it’s someone else’s job to clean his mess up (it’s beneath him). He is often ready to criticize those that violate toilet seats and this makes him a Pharisee. He is usually the last person you would ever suspect of committing such atrocities. As far as he is concerned even his s*** doesn’t stink, but that’s another story so let’s stick with the subject.

toilet seat - aimc) The Inconsiderate man – Commonly associated with men who are in relationships and are yet to be married. They seem to forget quite easily that there is another person living with them or who comes to visit them frequently. These men tend to be stuck in their ways and believe their partners should quit complaining and just adapt. If ‘she’ says to him ‘Lift before you pee’ then ‘his’ response would probably be ‘Wipe before you sit’. Men in this situation would agree that the toilet seat becomes one of the trivial issues that could ignite an argument, especially if some making up was in order the previous night.

toilet seat - touch it 2d) The Gentleman – All the ladies love this type of man. No matter how pressed he is he always manages to lift the toilet seat up and even remembers to put it back down for his lady. Some guys would say he’s soft, others say he’s a pushover. But women say he is a considerate, humble and diligent man. He is the pee-ing man’s role model. He aims and hits his target. He only makes up less than 20 percent of the world’s population and most of his type were raised by decent parents, have great toilet etiquette, and write crazy blogs and wear bow ties…. 🙂

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29 thoughts on “The truth about Men and Toilet seats | Image vs Text

  1. Ladies like Marrying the Gentleman too .. I know I married one of them. 🙂

    (he even changes the loo roll when it’s empty… then you KNOW you have a keeper!)

    I’m busy teaching our Little Mr. that there is etiquette required in the smallest room and he’s learning slowly… by the time he leaves home I can assure you he will be “properly” trained so that his future wife will also count herself very lucky.

    Funny post, very true and I’m definitely counting myself lucky to have married a true Gentleman.

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  2. Nice post! My son falls under Catergory A and I suspect he derives certain satisfaction from it, probably feels like he’s “marking his terrotory”. Why can’t Toilet manufacturers make toilet seats detachable? Makes life so much easier for everyone!

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    • lol @ detachable. We wish! I did come across a Google Image of a toilet with a spring mechanism attached to the toilet base – kinda like the dustbins with the foot pedal. I’d endorse that anyday.

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  3. I did not know that guys raised the toilet seats until i read it in a book. I have been blessed with Gentlemen right from my Dad to my former housemate but on the other hand, i once shared a house with a couple of guys while on holiday last year and dear Lord, i think they mostly fell in the Lazy group.

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    • You’ve confirmed my hypothesis, lol. The way I see it, if I don’t raise the toilet seat while I’m doing a number 1 then I’ll pay the price when I’m doing a number 2! 😀

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  4. Jollof, this one had me giggling o. You no even send. You were bold with this one. For Class ‘B’ men, of course ‘it’ doesn’t stink. Same applies to women. Don’t you know that our turds smell like roses? Red roses precisely. Class ‘C’ men would also be the type who also squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle and not the bottom like normal people do.

    So, which one of these categories of men do you belong to? Or you’re all of them rolled into one, ni? Unless, of course, the last few lines were self-descriptions.

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    • Bingo! The last few lines were identical to moi, of course. I have gone through the evolution process: from Lazy (age 5 to 12) to Proud (13 to 20) to Inconsiderate (age 21 to 27) to Gentle (28 to date). I aim to remain at this phase.

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  5. Hilarious post! Luckily, my husband falls into category D. I have NEVER fallen into the toilet because he forgot to put the seat back down 🙂

    The bad news is one (or both?) of my sons is (are) not in that category. What category is it if they lift the seat, but miss the toilet entirely? (Since they don’t bother cleaning it up unitl I yell at them, I’m guessing it’s category A.)

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    • lol. I concur wholeheartedly – one (or both) of your sons is (are) in category A. But never fear, it’s just a phase which he’s (they’re) passing through. Your pee-cleaning days are numbered 😉

      Thanks for the comment JannaT!

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  6. Great post…..
    Allow me to include another category, The Ignorant Man; A man who simply did not know better. I was in that category up until my late teens when I read about the gentleman (toiletwise) .
    Schools usually put up a poster with these words on their door;

    If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
    Be a sweetie and clean the seatie.

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  7. LOL classic post !!! I’ve been fortunate enough to have only Gentlemen enter the toilet .. and all my little nephews are A* Gents ! They have been trained – and if they step out of line, Aunty D gets to give them a piece of her mind !

    Seriously, I don’t know why its so hard for guys to just pick up the toilet seat / clean up if they miss. I don’t mind putting the toilet seat back down (just the fact that they put it up is a big deal) but I don’t want to be cleaning someones pee ! I’ll wait to have a baby of mine before I willingly do that !

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    • Ooh, don’t want to step out of line when Aunty D is around, lol. Toilet seats should have sensors: once you approach a toilet the seat automatically goes up regardless if you’re a man or woman. You could always put the seat down if you want to sit. Genius eh?

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  8. Hahahha I married a “gentleman”. No yellow polka dots on my toilet seat! By the way… you will be intrigued to know that WOMEN PISS ON THE BLOODY SEATS TOO! This confounds me completely. I have no idea how or why, but they do! It’s just vile! At least men have the above excuses!

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      • Well, my hubby and I reckon that the secret to a happy marriage is the fact that we both still think farts are funny… but piss on a toilet seat? That is a totally different story.

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  11. my son (4) has recently learnt to do ‘standy up wees’ (but prefers ‘sitty down ones’) he often dances around putting it off for as long as he can before standing with his hands on his hips because ‘he doesnt want to catch germs’…i think thats a category of its own lol
    (Found you thanks to the writing challenge)

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    • lol @ ‘he doesn’t want to catch germs’. Bless him – he wants to be a man! Perhaps his category would be the ‘Sensitive man’…that’s actually a good thing u know 🙂

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