Entry #53 – Chapman, please!

For as long as I can remember there has been this fascination with the large red cocktail more commonly pronounced by the average Nigerian as ‘Shapman’. It has become synonymous with the popular orders made at our local Chinese restaurants, Recreational Clubs and more recently, weddings (though our wedding planners are notorious for being extremely selective with Chapman distribution – I‘ve never been offered any to date). Its origin is arguably in Nigeria but no one knows for sure. It isn’t necessarily expensive to buy (between N300 and N1000, i.e. $6 max.) nor is it difficult to make. But I think I now why there’s such a fuss over this bitter-sweet refreshment – it just tastes so damn good!

Today I’m running a small Chapman factory in my apartment (okay, not really but I do make them rather frequently) and I want to share the recipe for you to enjoy:

1. Get a large tumbler/glass mug (necessary if you want to make your Chapman-experience last a bit)
2. Fill the glass halfway with ice cubes
3. Pour a capful of Grenadine or any blackcurrant cordial into the glass (for that red glow)
4. Pour in 2shots of Bitters – Any bitters you can find but you can also use Campari.
5. Pour in equal amounts of…believe it or not…Fanta and Sprite then mix it up
6. Throw in a slice of lemon, garnish with a cucumber slice and dip-in a bendy straw
7. Sip slowly and try not to hum too much as your taste-buds go into a frenzy.

Well there you have it. Simple, isn’t it? So the next time you’re sitting by your computer and one of your (anti-social) friends sends you a mouth-watering cocktail…via Facebook, make a Chapman to quench that insatiable thirst your ‘friend‘ created (remember to do point 7 ^^)…and then proceed to delete that friend from your Friend list (optional).

Cheers!

　

Entry #52 – The bullet in my bathroom

Just when I thought life was becoming a little bit boring and predictable I experienced a sudden rush of adrenaline 2 nights ago around 8pm when I heard a loud bang in my bathroom. There wasn’t any electricity at the time and I was alone in my flat. I walked past the bathroom (which serves as a spare for guests and is separate from my ensuite) and for a second I thought it was a gun-shot. The next I thought was that my sink had fallen apart or the shower curtain rail came crashing down…but surely it must have been a fire cracker or something. With the light from my Nokia E75 I sneaked into the bathroom and inspected the surroundings and then I tripped on something metallic. I picked it up and at first I thought it might have been part of a heavy duty nail but on closer inspection I realized it was a bullet.

The first thing I would have done at this point is call in the CSI (Las Vegas) team to do their nifty forensic work. I would let Grisham bamboozle me with words like ‘Trajectory’ and ‘Ricochet’ and the watch them as they scamper around looking for the ‘Entry point’. That night I barely slept because I felt this wasn’t random. I’ve lived in this flat for close to 6months and nothing like this has ever happened. I couldn’t help but ask myself, ‘Was someone trying to kill me?’

I had a mental list of people I suspected I had ticked-off and probably wanted my blood as payback:

1. My recent ex-girlfriend – Looks innocent but is capable of something like this now that I think about it.
2. My neighbour - I told her off for shouting like she was the only one living in the compound going ‘MAAARIAAA!!!’ repeatedly
3. The Security Guard’s mate – They wine and dine with my security guard outside the compound and I don’t like the dodgy ‘I kill you!’ looks I get from them sometimes.

I found later the following day that there was a hole in my bathroom ceiling. Part of  the shape was an exact replica of the bullet lying horizontally. I expected the shape to be round. There were no holes in my window or walls so I got Googling…asking the seemingly dumb question, ‘Can a bullet go off by itself?’

I was pleasantly suprised indeed when I came across the following answer from Yahoo! Answers: “No. Something has to make contact with the primer or cause the primer to get really hot. Dropping or hitting a round, or throwing it into a fire can cause it ignite.”  So it was actually possible for the bullet to have just gone off without being in a gun chamber. By the looks of the photo above, the bullet must have been lying flat when it suddenly penetrated the ceiling unto my bathroom floor. So how could this be explained further?

If you observe in the diagram opposite, my bullet is very similar and there is actually a primer at the back of the bullet (labelled ‘5′). What could have triggered it? Heat? If so why didn’t it go off in the peak of the hot afternoon? Why in the evening after dark? Could a mouse or rat have been tampering with the primer before the bullet went off? I didn’t see any rodent body parts or blood around the crime scene. This bullet just descended by its own free will.

Thankfully I wasn’t doing a ‘Number 2′ when this near-homicide took place. Just imagine, being found dead with a bullet in your head, pants halfway down, toilet unflushed and no trace of a killer. That’s what I call a freak accident – Perhaps this can be used for the next Final Destination movie installment ( …I think they should be working on part 5 now.) But this begs the question, what kind of tenants where living in this apartment before I moved in? Drug barons?, Assassins? Ex-military mercenaries? Are there anymore bullets lying up there in my ceiling. Even worse, is there gun cache up there? a dead body? If I start to smell something funny (and I know it’s not me) then I’m going up there to investigate…

 

N.B – That black spot in the celing is the bullet hole…crikey!

Entry #51 – Plan C

In ‘Operation Daybreak’ (the 1975 World War II film based on the true story of the assassination of Reinhard Heydrich in Prague) the 2 spies behind the assassination were in for a nasty surprise when their plans went terribly wrong. The first attempt to shoot their target on a moving train was a bit of a stretch but then came Plan B but would you believe that even with one of the spies standing a few feet from his target pointing, eye to eye,  with a fully loaded semi-automatic the unexpected happened…

I believe that no matter what you plan to do there is a probability that due to life’s unforeseen circumstances your plan wont always work exactly as you expected – that’s not a pessimistic perspective I’m just being realistic. Look at Weddings, for example. I hear such things as ‘the perfect wedding’ and here I’m not referring to the ‘wedding you dream to have’…I’m talking about ‘making sure every single thing goes according to plan. You could wake up late on the wedding day (perhaps your slept through your alarm), or you could be down with a cold or an upset stomach (especially if you had the dodgy curry last night), the car you’re supposed to take doesn’t start, or it rains cats and dogs, or you stain your rented tuxedo, or the bride and the bridesmaids  arrive late, or the 3 year-old ring bearer boy decides it would be fun to swallow the wedding ring…the list of unfortunate events is indeed endless.  

What you might have observed in my examples is that it’s not always just other people that could let you down…YOU can let yourself down (e.g. you slept through your alarm, remember?). So whenever you have something big planned you need to have a back-up plan or what is more commonly known as a ‘plan B’. Such contigency plans are priceless tactics employed by just about every meticulous government, tycoon, stockbroker, wedding planner, boxer (well, in the case of Tyson Vs. Holifield I do not condone biting a chunk of our opponent’s ear when you’re losing)…you get my drift? You need to think of the worst thing that could possibly happen to ruin your plans and then plan for it and be sure that as much as possible your plan is air-tight, blunder-proof, anti-Enron…but is that enough? surely if I set my alarm on my mobile phone (which I will be charging overnight and is preset on the highest, most irritating tone and volume level) then I don’t need to do anything else, right? WRONG.

There is of course Plan C and the best part about this plan is (not the obvious fact that it takes care of the shortfalls of Plan B, duh) this plan makes you want to say, ‘well, why the hell did I bother with plan B in the first place?’ Ah, yes plan C is a thing of beauty, a work of art…only the brilliant minds can pull off one of these…but I beg to differ. Plan C’s usually require a third party that you can count on with your life. I’m talking ‘Bonnie & Clyde’ loyalty here. We all must have at least one person who wont let us down no matter what and you never know…someone might be relying on you to be their Plan C. Enjoy the ambush clip from Operation Daybreak to see how it went down…

Plan C…because Plan B’s not always enough.

Entry #50 – From Con artists to Terrorists?

There’s something about the suffix ‘ist‘ that just really leaves a bad taste in my mouth – words like Racist, Facist, Schauvinist, etc. But just as my country is desperately trying to bleach out the stubborn stain of corruption from its reputation some Nigerian decides to  give America a reason to tag us  ‘terrorists’.

First of all, the American government’s decision gives me cause to tag them ‘extremists’. But that aside history has shown that Nigeria and its indigines have shown more interest in making money. Subdivide that and then you have those who choose to make money legally and those who want to make (quick) money illegally. This second group are  commonly known as fraudsters or con artists. In recent times they have been taking advantage of the technological age and all those who’ve been less fortunate to grasp it in its ever increasing pace. In Nigeria we have just as many victims as there are perpetrators of online fraud alone. Setting one’s pants/trousers on fire to detinate an explosive substance doesn’t quite appeal to the average Nigerian – I mean, what exactly is the pay off?

If I’m to be really objective about how possible it is for Nigerians to be branded ‘terrorists’ then I’d say that in the northern region of Nigeria there have been some acts of terror so to speak. Extremist muslims, or to put it mildly, religious fanatics who’ve taken their belief too far and decided to impose it on the rest of us – refusal to which you could (but not necessarily) expect a Jihad a.k.a certain death to the unbelievers…the sinners…the obstacles that separate them from their eternal paradise. Be it as it may the fact remains that these religious wars take place within Nigeria and may well take place anywhere else in the world. Perhaps all it takes is just one terrorist act committed by a non-citizen of a country and then that citizen’s country gets to be labelled a Terrorist. I didn’t come across that in anywhere in the American constitution or in any constitiution for that matter!

Probably the mere presence of the word ‘Terrorist‘ in this article and the recurrence of the word over 10times (and remember, straight from a computer located in Nigeria) is sending the American Intelligence into a frenzy. All I need to do now is google for cheap flight tickets to Yemen and I bet the CIA will be on red alert. Don’t forget my blog title, Nigerian Interrupted, is not helping matters either!

In ‘other news’, I want to make reference to one of the biggest con artists in Nigeria to have been exposed by the EFCC (Economic and Financial Crimes Commission – a Nigerian Govt organization). She is the former MD of Oceanic Bank, Cecilia Ibru, who embezzled bank funds and acquired…wait for it…N399bn worth of assets all around the world (www.thisdayonline.com). She has property, estates and shares mostly in fictitious company names and also in some of her relative’s names. Nigerian con artists have been in the game for as long as I can remember. I personally doubt that we’ll see another Nigerian terrorist plane bomber anytime in the next decade.

…And one final point: if anyone wants to point the dreaded finger of blame at the muslim community, the American Airline, or the radicals in Yemen, then think hard about what role the parents played (or avoided) in nuturing Mullatab (talk about a Nigerian interrupted indeed) and monitoring his behaviour. I blame the parents, period.

Entry #49 – Reinvention

You know what I like about the beginning of a new year? It is a chance to reinvent yourself, a chance to forget about the previous year and all the mistakes and upsets that you probably endured but overcame. It is a chance to do things that you didn’t think possible until you were able to surpass challenges of the previous year. It is a chance to take yourself to the next level…after all, who wants to be in the same position (socially, financially or spiritually) year in year out? I hear people talk of New Year Resolutions but they’re usually easier to make than to keep. What then is the solution?

I find it easier to stick to something when I write it down. Not just on some piece of paper that would find its way into the bin later but where I would always see it on a daily basis. This would serve as a constant reminder of what I swore to uphold this year. Also, whilst its good to think big and dream big it is equally important to take small and steady steps towards achieving your goal. For example, I want to travel to India this year but its easy to let time pass and before you know it 2011 is knocking on the door. First step is to choose a month ahead when I’d wish to travel, research the cost of the flight and accomodation, check my savings and ensure I have a credit card handy. It wouldn’t hurt to ask any of my friends if they’ve been to India before so I could get furhter tips. You find that the moment you set the ball rolling just a little bit you start to gain momentum.

Everyone should have a mentor or role model. You shouldn’t be aspiring to be just like them but you should be aspiring to be even better than they are. It’s similar to the way parents would want their kids to grow up being smarter than they are. You can have as many mentors as you want: male, female, young, old, etc but ideally they should still be living so that you can monitor their lifestyles and make the necessary adjustments.

The only constant in life is Change. I, like Obama, vote for Change. Change is good. This year do something new, something different, something challenging, something inspiring and do it with all your mind, all your soul, all your heart and all your strength. Leave the rest to the powers that be and you’ll be surprised what miracles await you

T.A.G – The Association Game

I used to enjoy these at school. You had a list of things on the right and left hand side, and then you had to see which things matched. Boy, were they boring. I mean you had such things as Oranges linked to Fruit, or Money linked to Bank (that’s like dead easy and basically no fun). I don’t know how stupid the teachers thought we were in primary school but nonetheless not everyone scored full marks on such tests….hmm. Think you can do better, eh? Try this updated 2009 version:

50 cent —– Bunnie

Kanye West —– DC

Mariah Carey —– Lollipop

Akon —– Hat

Nichole Scherzinger —– Rifle

Jim Carrey —– Hooks

Beyonce —– Combs

Sarah Palin —– Canon

Lil Wayne —– Pussy

T-Pain —– Ostrich

P.Diddy —– Mask

Jay-Z —– Sextape

Lil’ Jon —– Coacaine

Chris Brown —– Wire

R.Kelly —– Bullets

Whiney Houston —– Krug

Usain Bolt —— Cup

Hugh Hefner —— (Wild) Animal

Easy huh? Now here’s a run down of a couple of things that are currently associated with me: Dancing, Ice Tea, Gym, Black by Kenneth Cole, Slim ties, Fitted suits, Zara, Seiko Kinetic, Color-Cuff links, White Gold, Twix, Spearmint, Linen, Caftans, White, Blue & Black tops/jerseys, Skin-cut (or ‘Gorimakpa’), Converse sneakers, Cocoa Butter, Nokia E-Series, HP laptops, Bluetooth, Booty, Light-skinned girls, Jack Daniels & Coke, Michael Jackson, Phil Collins, Joe, Kanye West, New York, MTV, Big Brother Africa, Haagen Dazs (Cookies & Cream), Subway Deli, Soul by Hugo Boss, WordPress.com, Art, SkyNews, Google, Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie, Matrix, Samurai Jack, Fried Yam, Apples, Almonds, Oats, Chery A520, Banking, I.T, United Kingdom, Oxbridge, International School Ibadan, Niger Delta Militants, Dirty Oil Money (I wish….) Bayelsa till I die…Crazy Nigerian

The Cypher – (Contains strong language. Viewer discretion is advised.)

Early this month a couple of political figures were invited to blogville to slug it out in a heated debate…so to speak. But I wanted something with a little bit of …’zing’, a bit of ‘umph’…a bit of ‘wizzy wizzy wow’! (you get my drift?). So I told these newbies to quit the rehearsed eulogical babble and give me a bit of freestyling – nothing like a bit of ‘improv’ to know if they’ve got their ’swag’ on. I suggested it, they accepted, and they promised to drop it like its hot! Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you…the cypher…you be the judge and tell me who ‘murdered it!’

Barack Obama (rapping over P.Diddy’s ‘Bad boy 4 life’):

“…who’s the Boss?/Clinton lost/Don’t think cos I hired her I’ma go soft/

Hussein? thats me/and if you don’t feel me/it means you didn’t vote me/Sorry, blow me!/

Get it right y’all, I’m a resident/but is the U.S even ready for a black president?/

Grab a tissue/Even your tears don’t miss you/Obama is Drama…the saga continues

Chorus – I AINT…GO-ING NOWHERE…I AINT…GOING NOWHERE/ I CANT BE STOPPED NOW…COS ITS ‘BAMA 4 LIFE!/(2ce)

 

Hilary Clinton (rapping over Fat Joe’s ‘Lean Back’):

H to the Ceezy/your eyes go dizzy/when I bitch-slap you like I did Monica Lewinski/

I’m quick when I batter/ so you better quit the chatter/whats sadder…you believing that Size doesn’t matter!/

And your wife is wack/give her braces back/bet you’re ‘dickless’ cause you can only threaten me with the ’sack’/

But as for ‘John Mac’/his whole career’s slack/so like broken boomerangs dont expect a comeback/

Chorus - WELL YOU CANT EVEN RAP SO JUST SHUT UP YOUR TRAP AND JUST…PUT YOUR MIC AWAY/AND LEAN BACK, LEAN BACK, LEAN BACK, LEAN BACK/ (2ce)

John McCain (rapping over DMX’s ’What’s my name’):

Grrr…Grrr….URRGH! URRGH!

To be continued…

Entry #48 – Codename: Operation Blackberry

My name is Secret Agent Jollof. I have a covert operation at about 1500hrs on Saturday, 24th October 2009. I will be going undercover as a grooms man at a wedding reception. My sister (a fellow agent) will also be helping me on this mission. She will be working as the Chief Bride’s maid (obviously). She’ll be making the drop-off and then it will be left for me to execute. Failure is not an option. I can’t disclose specific details of this mission – its classified. The only thing I can say is that the operation is codenamed Blackberry. All will be revealed in my next entry with pics. Signing out … … …

Entry #47 – Remember September

Well how can I forget September 2008 when my bank was having its financial year end (which in the Nigerian Banking industry means every bank starts to scramble around for large money deposits in order to claim the no.1 spot for having the largest liability base…the grand prize being that you get to keep your job!).

I remember how fellow colleagues would genuinely fall ill with stress, some with high blood pressure, and why? All because they got SMS/text messages at odd hours of the day (including weekends) from bosses who taunt them to AGGRESSIVELY PURSUE current accounts and fixed term deposits or to REALIZE GROWTH in their account portfolio. I remember when each week would be inundated with impromptu meetings – meetings with other bank branches’ marketing team and their respective managers. Such gruelling sessions were like the ‘Show and Tell’ in Elementary/Primary School…only, you were showing to the whole audience how you planned to leap from a balance sheet of N100m (One Hundred Million Naira) to N250m in under 3weeks. I remember the tall tales marketing staff used to tell…stories of fat cheques that were due the following week…and then the following week…and then the following week. I remember how they had to defend their jobs by justifying why they should still be paid their salary.

I remember how the boldest and most confident of marketers would suddenly be reduced to a bucket of nerves as they stuttered through their cock and bull Deposit Mobilization strategies. Of course their bosses were quick to ridicule and threaten them with a letter of displeasure – that’s a prelude to a sack, in simple English. I remember how some marketers avoided the subsequent meetings especially when the millions they promised the previous week never materialized. Oh, how I remember how some banks would accept to pay to willing Fixed Deposit customers outrageous rates well above that of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) and in some cases staff would make up the interest difference from their own personal funds to pay to the oblivious, greedy customer. I remember the pressure got so much that you could cut the tension in bank branches with a knife. You were almost driven to the point of holding customers at gunpoint just so they took you more seriously and coughed out the millions that we so stupidly thought they were hiding at home under their matresses.

I remember how some marketing staff would encourage their known customers to move funds from competitor banks into ours. Even worse was when a branch within the bank moved funds from another bank branch, meaning the bank as a whole wasn’t actually growing but suffering a bout of indigestible cannibalization of accounts. I remember hearing stories of female marketers who would ’stoop so low’ just to get a measly million into their account portfolio…and in some unfortuante cases were given dud cheques: a classic Lose-Lose situation.

I remember how the month would draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag and your demanour was truly tested. Some who couldn’t take the heat or the humiliation any longer dropped their resignation letters and stayed at home waiting for the grass to get greener somewhere else…anywhere else. I remember how some skilled marketers would turn on the waterworks when a customer came into the branch to make a portfolio-shattering withdrawal in this ‘ember’ month. I remember how I almost uttered to my superior ‘What are YOU doing to ensure that we grow our deposit base? Show me YOUR prospect list! How much money have YOU brought today? How many phone calls have YOU made? Why should the bank still be paying YOUR salary???’ I remember it all too well and now I have another 13days to go before I can even begin to forget September 2009. “Lord, give me strength…”

Entry #46 – Tea anyone?

‘I would like some tea, please. Don’t ask me HOW I would like it. Don’t try to make small talk with me. Up until 2minutes ago we were total strangers. You are not doing this because you want to. You are doing this because you have to. Don’t try to stall me with questions that would only intensify a thirst which, before you came prouncing along, wasn’t initially there. Just pour it and drop it and I’ll try not to sip it and spill it. I don’t care if it’s Iced Tea or Regular hot tea. I don’t care if its Earl Grey, De-Caff, Herbal or Chai Tea. I don’t care if it’s made by Lipton, Twinning’s, PG Tips, Tetley or low-budget teabags made for Economy class passengers. I don’t care if it comes with milk either so don’t ask me if I want full creamed, skimmed, semi-skimmed, evaporated, condensed, powdered, or any other white liquid substance that was supposedly drawn from a cow…or goat for that matter. Don’t assume that I would use the sugar in the sachet. You don’t know if I like to use sweetners. You don’t know if I take my tea with honey. You must be thinking that if I allowed you to ask how I take my tea I could have responded with a single-sentence which would save time and energy for both you and I? Well I would have said something like “I take it in a teacup like everyone else” – not the kind of answer you would like to hear. So now that you’ve probably learnt a thing or two (or not) ask me how I would like take my tea…I dare you’ xD